Holiday time :)

Passport, passport…….. Where’s my passport?

Can I fit an extra pair of shoes in my case, I’ve got room, but it is already kind of heavy, I only need 3 pairs right?

Why does my suitcase look empty, I’m fairly sure my packing skills aren’t that good so why is there so much room? I’ve forgotten something haven’t I? I have no idea what I’ve forgotten to pack, damn, O I’m not unpacking and checking. Nope I’m not, I had better unpack and check.

Have I got enough sun cream? Have I got enough insect repellent? Do I need a bigger jacket for the plane? Four books is enough for 10 days right? I’m not going to finish them all?

Need to put a bathing costume in my carry on just in case my suit case gets lost.

Where the hell is my passport?

I’m going on holiday, and I am horribly excited even if I do have to have these irritating thoughts running through my head. Actually the thought about the passport I really need to start listening to because I’m leaving this afternoon. Leaving the UK for a better climate is also pointless at the moment because the fabulous weather we have been having, still I’m excited.  I’m going somewhere completely new.

I haven’t been able to go one holiday in ages, my job keeps getting in the way, I had to be a grown up and put that first. I had to cancel one to Florida last minute, I was so upset.  It much easier when I was young, my mum always knew where my passport was, we would go in the school holidays so there was no conflict, and a parent booked it easy.

I love travelling and going on holidays (I even like airports), I love ending up somewhere new and interesting. I love not knowing exactly what I’m going to get where I get there or what I’ll do. It’s opportunity to explore somewhere new and leave your old world behind for a little bit. So happy right now, or would be if I could find my bloody passport.

So I’m on vacation for the 10 days, I’ll you guys when I get back.

Where I am the best version of me.

Is there a place where you feel like a different person, or perhaps where you feel like a superior or ultimate version of yourself? Somewhere that brings out your greatest aspects, diminishes you faults, somewhere where you excel. Mine is my old university town. I have yet to find anywhere that can make me feel safe and peaceful; it is where I formed some of great ideas about literature, art, friends and life. Aberystwyth in Wales lives in its own dazzling bubble, with little crime, vice or evil one can quite happy forget there is a big bad world beyond it boarders. It was a place where I could just be, just live and be happy.

I went through a lot of pain there but I never felt isolated or lonely. It wasn’t just the incredible people I met there, the place itself stood by my side, it laughed with me, stood close by me when I cried in the dark and stopped the world to comfort me. I miss it, I miss the people I love so much I cling to them as though I’m afraid they are a wonderful dream that will slip through my fingers. I miss the person I was there, the better, smarter, prettier and happier person. I miss the conversations about politics, books, comics, films, music, love, passion and life. I wondered if it was just me who had a place like this? Or does everyone have a place where they are the person they could be?   

Tumbling Pretties

Great Gatsby

I have a list of books in my head that I’m desperate to read or think that I should read. On the list is the Great Gatsby which I finished about a week ago. It has taken me a while to figure out what I thought and feel about the novel. It was never going to measure up to the magnitude I had built it up to. I suppose that will always be a problem when you pick up a novel that is so renowned, by an author as admired as F. Scott Fitzgerald. Words and phrases such as ‘classic’ and ‘loved by everyone’ will always mar you opinion for better or worse before you even read the first line.

I felt that the novel was dull, like 1984 I felt nothing really happened for a long time. I felt no emotional investment; I didn’t care for Nick, who did nothing but watch the world he happily inhabited with cynicism, I didn’t care for Daisy and after the intrigue of waiting for the infamous Gatsby to appear on the written page I no longer cared for Jay. And I was waiting, always waiting; waiting for Fitzgerald to say something, less obvious than, look at the moral decay of our time, look at the decay of the American dream. I wanted him say something subtle, through all the negative, all the putrid and festering commotion, something positive. I wanted there to be an understated acknowledgment that there was still beauty in life, however much the good hearts and dreams are doomed to die and leave little mark on a glittering materialistic world. There are many things I could say about the novel but I could never say it wasn’t beautiful, I kept reading because it was aesthetically so pleasing.

This carefully crafted piece of art is at heart a thwarted love story of star-crossed lovers and while keeping to the traditional separation devices of money and status, the fact the lovers aren’t perfect makes them easier to relate to. Romantic idolised lovers are untouchable; however, it is their flaws that make Daisy and Gatsby interesting. It is the flaws in the lovers and in the wealthy that leads to their destruction, the society and morals around them are decaying. Both of these verge on being romanticised but are dragged back to represent the dark dangerous world that was developing in the 1920’s. It is the disillusionment that Fitzgerald presents to the reader that is so striking, the 1920s is a world presented full of greed and the pursuit of pleasure that is an all top accurate illustration of our current world, a world despite it rotten core will remain outwardly stunning.

Fitzgerald speaks to the readers fears that good hearts like Gatsby’s seem doomed to die but isn’t that just because we remember? No one will remember Tom, Daisy or Jordan but we will always recall the one who is great long after they are gone, believing they left too early. It is the fear that our dreams will die that speaks so well to the reader, no one wants to believe that the American or Gatsby’s dream will die or worse, in its essence is untouchable. Fitzgerald does raise the question, do we idealise and perfect dreams to a point that renders them unattainable and effectively doom them to die in a materialist world?

Gatsby may have been trapped in the past by status and background but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t capable of recreation. Yes I wish Gatsby wasn’t chasing a past summer but who is to say he wouldn’t create a better summer when he caught it? What I love about Gatsby is that he believes in the green light despite what he has seen in war and how cynical the world has made him. He still believes in his dream of the better world he wants to create. The belief that people will choose to dream of something better in a dark world is wonderful and one I believe in whole heartedly.

So yeah, I still think it was dull and there were things I didn’t like about The Great Gatsbybut I doubt that is what I’m going to talk about when someone asks me if I’ve read the book.

Tumbling Pretties

Related articles

• The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald (therabbitbooks.wordpress.com)
• The Great Gatsby (phaedruswithin.wordpress.com)

My Avengers warm up, better late then never.

 “What do you think of The Avengers?” My friend asked me while standing at the bar buying us drinks.

“You mean Avengers Assembled?” Was my response as I kept him company.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, what did you think?”

“Haven’t seen it yet”

“What?! SERIOUSLY! I know it’s only just come out but I would have thought you were first in line.”

“I’ve only seen Iron Man and Iron Man 2, I haven’t seen the others and I don’t want to see the Avengers until I’ve seen Thor, Captain America, The Incredible Hulk, no….. wait, yeah all of them.”

“You haven’t se- who the hell are you, I feel like I don’t know you! You’ve changed! No you can’t have your drink, you haven’t seen Thor!!”

Before I explain this quote from my Saturday night where I wasn’t allowed a beer because I didn’t know how epic Thor was and my friend insistence that there is a significant possibility I have been replaced by a shape shifter or an android, I would just like to say something. Really Marvel you changed the name from The Avengers to Avengers Assembled in UK because we used to have a TV show called The Avengers in the 60’s and 70’s, really, how stupid do you think we are? I mean have you seen how much publicity is out for your film? Do you really think someone is going to get confused? Trust me everyone in UK is still calling the film The Avengers and not thinking about a TV series they have never heard of.

My friend’s reaction I suppose could be valid, I love comic books and most people who even vaguely know me know this, it’s really not a secret. I also adore action and hero movies, I think of them as feel good films, good usually triumphs and in a world that has so little black and white it’s a little bit comforting.  I know a lot about comics, and yes I maybe a self-confessed DC girl but Marvel at times has some spectacular moments. When Iron Man came out however I was underwhelmed and didn’t make the effort to see it, I had never been a huge fan of the Iron Man comics. As for the Incredible Hulk, after the 2003 attempt I wasn’t holding out much hope for the film.

But then I went to America and Iron Man 2 came out and someone physically sat on me making me watch Iron Man so they could drag me to watch Iron Man 2 on a road trip. Apparently I had to see them in order. I thought Iron Man and Iron Man 2 were amazing, I felt it was something fresh and an amazing take on what it is to be a hero. Stark no matter how great he thinks he is, knows he isn’t perfect, he knows he has flaws but don’t let these rule his life. It was fun, it was thrilling and it kicked ass, what more could a person want.

Since then I have had every intension to watch the Incredible Hulk and Thor and Captain America when they came out, but I didn’t see them. I don’t even remember why I didn’t. That was until last night where after been ridiculed, told I was betraying my inner child and being desperately ill; I decided I would lie in bed feeling sorry for myself for about 6 hours and watched Thor, Captain America and Incredible Hulk.

It was AWESOME!! These have to be the best 6 hours I have spent with my TV. I am an idiot for not seeing them earlier; I have wasted years by not having these films in my life. They made not being able to breathe, not only bearable but fun. And yes I’m pretty sure I wasn’t oxygen deprived or delirious. I am seeing The Avengers Avengers Assembled as soon as possible.

Phone Calls

I don’t like phone calls, I don’t know why, I have a great phone manner and fantastic communication skills or so my boss tells me. I would however prefer to do everything by text and email, I think there is something odd about verbal communication that doesn’t have a face or visual. I think that is why I am such a huge fan of Skype, it’s free, I can see the person I’m talking to and I can see how my friends from all around the world are growing and changing.

 There are some aspects I do like about phone calls such as the late night phone; when it’s late and you have overwhelming urge to call someone you really care about, the urge to share something that just won’t wait till the morning. Late at right is when the hardest laughter is shared, the dangerous secrets are told, the darkest fears come to light and the beautiful, everlasting discussions are had. In the darkness there is there is just the two of you in all the world, it doesn’t matter how far apart you are under that black night.

I love it when a number appears on your screen, one that you haven’t seen in an age that makes you smile because that number represents a person that’s just amazing.  I love the phone calls where you talk about nothing and suddenly it’s three hours later. I adore the phone calls where there is news that makes me shout for joy and no one but me has any idea what is going on. The phone calls, it’s amazing how hearing a voice on the end of the phone that’s sleepy, lazy, happy or overly excited communicating something  that is such a joy to hear, it simply makes you glow.

I remember being a teenager and knowing my best friend’s home numbers before everything was done by mobiles. I don’t even dislike the time where I stare at my phone willing it to call because it just reminds me that the world is just fantastically connected and that maybe I should woman up and call first. I get why people are attached to their phones, it’s that reassuring connection to the rest of the world and more importantly to the people they love.

Tumbling Pretties

Spring

I can’t help but feel good about Spring (it’s not just because of my birthday, honest) I think it is all the promise that this season holds. It is the promise of something brighter, something fresher and something new. Spring unveils a whole new unspoiled world that has taken refuge all winter, nature seems to sigh with relief as a warmer blustery air shoos away the harsh winter and the blossom and buds leap forth.

It’s the promise of new colours, a whole new sea of yellow and blue and green. The promise of better days, of a new year that has barely begun, filled with life’s vigour as the days get warmer and longer. Finally the silence is broken the birds sing and bees hum and long missed butterfly is seen and the flowers shoot up out of the earth to greet a new day. New heads of fragile plants bob in a new wind that carries the secrets of life.

Spring is magical the world is lighter, brighter and miraculous with potential that has been bottled up all winter. It is full of the endless improbable possibilities. Spring is the season of the lovers and the passionate, those ready to risk everything for a smile and a laugh. It is filled with pleasure and excitement that bursts forth on a new breeze. Spring’s breeze is waited all winter for; it regenerates the world and the soul and although I love winter I would hate it to last forever, to never see the life of spring.   

It’s good to get lost once in a while

No one likes to get lost, that’s why we have maps, sat navs and 5 year plans. Getting lost is unnerving and frightening; it puts us face to face with the unknown, the unpredictable and unsettles us. Everyone likes to be in control and it is comfortable to always know who and where you are. The thing about getting utterly lost however is that we can learn valuable lessons and occasionally it does us some good. Getting lost can be a wonderful experience.

There are some places where it is good to get lost, the best example of this is Venice. The only way to truly experience this labyrinth is to throw your map into the Grand Canel and go for a wander. Get lost among the ancient street and find all the riches that are hidden in this city. I think to truly know the rhythm of a city you have to get lost in it. Paris will always be a mystery until you found that one cafe tucked away down a forgotten street that you and you alone adore. One of the things that is on that list of things in my head I have to do is get lost in New York just for a little bit and watch the city rush by in all its vivid colour.

There are the times you get lost by accident, lost in listening to music that sings to your heart and in art that speaks to your soul. Everyone at some point has stared into space and meander through thoughts, lost, roaming over hundreds of ideas as the world has just slipped away. You can get lost in your own excitement and interest reminding you what it is like to be truly passionate about something. Then there are moments, moments when the world stops, you become lost in an instant that lasts an age, it fills you up completely and removes you from time and space, and you vanish from the earth.

Getting lost is about gaining a new perspective, strolling off the beaten track and finding your own individual way in the world, to look through your own fresh eyes and not through the used eyes of hundreds of people before you. Getting lost means you can find something new, something unique, it’s how you find that beach with no one on it, that shop with the amazing nik naks, that place with the chef who creates the best food and that view that you don’t need a photo of because it shines brilliantly in your mind.

The really good thing about getting lost is not just losing yourself in something because of your zeal, but just losing yourself completely no matter how terrifying or daunting that is, because losing yourself means you can find yourself. How are you meant to know who you really are until you lose everything you think you are? Sometimes you simply, for the briefest of occasions, have to lose yourself and for a scary time not know who you are, to then find that fantastic thing that is the authentic you.

Maps are great and plans are excellent, the problem is they don’t help us when there is an obstacle in our way. They don’t teach us not to panic when we are lost or come up against the unexpected, that sometimes you have to embrace the unknown, navigate the unpredictable, to throw away agony and just see what is around the corner. Plans and maps don’t change but people do and it is people who have to alter the maps and the plans. If you don’t get lost once in a while how will you ever know where you really want to go?    All things lost on my Tumbling Pretties

Second Star To The Right

 Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it’s done so far.
What’s so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

~ Rainbow Connection , Muppets

There something about the night sky, the stars and the moon that captivates me. I am fascinated by everything; the man in the moon, its orbit, the mythology behind the stars, the constellations and the dreams and hopes the night sky seems hold in its vast darkness. Ever since my dad stopped to stare into the gloom and held my hand I have stared too and submerge myself in its majesty. I have whiled away happy hours under the stars and it is odd but everything about the night sky makes me feel insignificant and I love it. Everyone in the world sleeps under one night sky and in it there are so many stars and there are so many star gazers, all looking at an immeasurable universe and I am tiny; nothing I really do will matter in the grand scheme of the universe and that is strangely comforting.

I am completely spellbound by the night sky and the stories that revolve around the moon and stars, and the beliefs and ideas they hold; it simply magical to look into a glittering and dazzling sky. I have always associated the stars and star gazing with dreams and the dreamers, thinking about the hopes that are whispered to the man the moon and the wishes made to stars as they watch over the earth. I want to hear the stories the moon could tell, all the little things it has seen over the years, all the forgotten past of earth. “Look at the stars, look how they shine for you” Generations of humans before me have gazed at the star in wonder and people round the world gazing with me, staring at the same starry blanket. Humans have reached for the stars and moon for thousands of years desperate to join the night sky and its heights.

The universe is so old, ancient and still changing, still expanding and growing; it is stunning as it entices scientists and romantics. I stare up and marvel like many others and look into forever, in awe of how anything could be so beautiful and exquisite. I look into the night sky and become lost, questioning how much is beyond our small world, how much can be out there to strive for. I gaze into the night and it stares back daring me to envision anything and everything. The stars do not hold our destiny; the night sky simply reveals the infinite possibilities of our future and the universe.

“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you” ~ Yellow, Coldplay

Related articles

• There are some things that happen once
• Wishing on a Star
• Tumbling Pretties

Colourful Colorado

Steamboat Springs

I’ve been feeling homesick for Colorado; this is probably because Britain has been having wonderful sunshine while still being cold and my current engagement in conversations with friends I left in the colourful state. I often long to be back in Colorado, it was the first time my heart felt truly at home away from my family and friends, and I’m completely in love with the state. I miss the vast geography, the irregular weather, the people and the place. I went to Colorado, to Colorado College on an exchange program to study while in my second year of university and it has been to date the greatest experience of my life. I miss the view that I have never been able to forget, it is the thing that can never be taken away from me.

I spent way to much time hanging out of windows getting photos

The heritage in Colorado was incredible; I found it remarkable that a place that seems so young can have such a depth of history. Everywhere I went in Colorado I seemed to adore, I loved Denver it was just so attractive, simply blissful to waste a day there. Steamboat Springs was so picturesque, relaxed and was just surrounded by land and ranches. I asked a police officer (cop?) what a buck was in Steamboat Springs because he told me and my friends to watch out for them when we were driving, I had no idea what one was and he told me eventually after a lot of laughter. Manitou Springs I maintain has the best chocolate and sweet shops I have ever found and was quant, yet diverse. In Colorado Springs I found that despite how big it was it felt like the small town I imagined America was full of, it was intimate and wonderful. It was where I watched my first hockey match, where I walked all alone in a strange city 4625 miles from anyone I knew and figured out what a block was. I made some amazing friends and met some fabulously interesting people that have stayed with me years later.

My favourite view of Pikes Peak

I miss the Garden of the Gods and feeling small in the majesty of nature. I miss how big it all was, I miss the vast sky that seems so small from my side of the pond. I remember arriving in the middle of the night dark and cold and went to sleep isolated in a strange room with no idea where I was and what to expect. I woke to an awe inspiring view of Pikes Peak and spent the next 6 months reassured by its dominance in the skyline and it gave me a height to strive for.

My mind doesn’t just wander there when I’m awake but takes me there in my dreams. I miss the space, the room to breathe that I have never found anywhere else and the beauty that just lives in you. I did a lot of growing there; I learnt how strong I could be and what I wanted form life. I learnt I could travel thousands of miles alone and make a whole new life, make friends and work achieving the standards I always had and be so happy.  I’d make memories and stories that would make my heart ache and create a smile. I lost my heart to Colorado completely.  Being posting my favourite images of Colorado here all week.

Letter to self,

All the words I think but don't always tell

15:49pm GMT

In Sister’s Room

Home

Dear me,

I would address this more specifically but we do have a terrible habit of changing our preference of what we go by and what people call us. I am writing a letter to my future self, where ever and whenever I have chosen to read it again. This is as bizarre as the last time I did it, if just a little more familiar. I doubt you even get letters anymore, I know that I’ll be sorry about that, I like letters, they will be an archaic form of communication but nevertheless a lost art form.

I’m not writing to set us a goal or a target for the future I have no doubt that we will achieve whatever we have set you to do.  This is simply a reminder not to run away from life, happiness and what you really want. I know you, I know what you are like, you let fear of upsetting or hurting the people around you stop you; I don’t think you can live a whole life caring for other people’s emotions and neglecting your own. I speak from experience as much as you like living vicariously and sharing others happiness it’s not really your own.

I just want you to remember at an unspecific point in time who you are right now, at this specific moment. I’m lost in the utopia, the no place, stuck in a transition between my youth and adulthood. The things I know is that love is an incredible force, my friends and family are my world and hugs are wonderful. My head is an amazing if complicated place to be. I don’t always like my reflection, sometimes I hate for so many reasons. I have no regrets but I’m not proud of everything I have done. I have never been in love and I don’t believe in it, I’m too pragmatic to believe I would give up everything for someone or that I would open myself up to so much hurt. I don’t even think I could have children I think the pain of love would kill me. I think love for the people around me is killing me. I’m still however at heart the greatest romantic and an optimist masquerading as a pessimist. I lose hours just staring at the beauty in the world, at the splendour of my own little part of it and at the magnificence in the imperfect and small things. I am in utter awe of humanities creativity and its development, especially its ability to communicate ideas and in constant fear of atrocious acts it is capable of. I believe in humanity’s potential. I’m not numb anymore, but I’m not as happy as I used to be, in fact right now I’m terrified, terrified of not becoming the person I am meant to be. I’m terrified but I’m not holding back, I’m not a coward, the path maybe rough but I know deep down I am tough enough for this world. I adore the possibilities I have. And I used to be a dreamer, not so much now.

I hope you have remembered everything you have learnt up till now, things such as you should always believe in something no matter how small. Maintain that brilliant contradiction of always believing but questioning everything. Always know that magic is everywhere in the world if you look for it. I hope you reading too much, always have a camera to photograph everything and always have a jotter handy to write every moment and thought large and small and everything in between. I hope we still live every moment like it will never happen again, that we have travelled, done and experienced as much as we can, grabbing every chance has created some great memories. I hope we don’t wait till we are ready because I fear we will wait forever. Be happy but remember to feel, don’t let yourself be numb again, don’t let your soul die.

I have to wonder where and what I’m doing and who I have become. How do we compare? The person who was, the person now and the person I have become. I can only answer two of those, I hope I have grown and change, my identity still fluid and full of possibilities. I wonder in our quest to reach the stars where did we land? I hope we lost and found ourselves a million times over because that’s the only way to know who we really are. If you are not still a geek, you have betrayed your roots and I hope music, art and literature still makes you giddy and smile. Most of all I hope our pile of good things that has happened in life is bigger than the bad and that neither one has tarnished the other. Everything bad that happens is an experience and everything good is wonderful. I hope that you have learnt from everything that has happened and that everyone who has entered your life did so for a reason and help you grow and be simply you.

I hope you still ramble like this because being in your head most of the time is a pleasure.

Yours lost in utopia at 21.

Age and letters here