Too hot for sleep.

My wonderful Mother received this text message from me.

“What do you do if a boy is too hot in bed to sleep but otherwise perfectly fine?? Xx”

Yeah, okay, you like my mum can get you minds out the gutter right now!! This text message was about one of the boys I was babysitting last night, not about a man that was simply too exciting for sleep. I eventually did get the 7 year old boy to slip off back to sleep but apparently texting your mum at 11:30 at night, when she can’t remember where you are will lead her to assume all sorts of smutty things. My mum assumed that my enthralling text had been sent to her by mistake and had to spend some time remembering where her first daughter was.  It seems once she remembered I had several little boys in my care the text made so much more sense. I did eventually get a response to my child care issue but by then, the minimal maternal instinct I have, finally kicked in and my issue was resolved.

Since last night my mum has taken to showing my text message to everyone, my siblings, my cousin, our neighbours and her friends and everyone laughs. I missed the joke; at no point could I see the unintentional crude innuendo in my text. I am utterly ashamed, not that I sent a perhaps embarrassing text, I am embarrassed that I missed the humour. I was a student only a year ago how can I have lost that vulgar sense of humour that is integral to all students, I refuse to be that old already. My mum thinks it’s hysterical and she is much older than me; please never inform her I said that ever.

I love the fact my mum thinks I would ask this question and that she is imaginative enough to paint the wrong picture but completely disappointed that she thinks I’d ask anyone other than her. Why would I bother asking anyone else?? As far as I am concerned my mother is the all seeing all knowing oracle of my world. Who laughs at me, because she can ……because she knows I’ll always ask for whatever I need. I love how everyone I know has such a rude mind, it’s nice to know that apparently you never grow up from being 19; where everything can have a smutty but humorous spin on it if you don’t take things too seriously.

Anyway, I figure that not getting a reply from my mum is a good thing, I know I can handle a boy no matter how hot he is in bed….. and you can take that anyway you like

LIE: Mums don’t get ill.

   I have decided one thing, just one. I have decided that if I am ever foolish enough to bring life into this world I want to be able to sit in a giant bed with them it my child and drink Lemsip because my child and I are ill. This is what I have been doing with my own mum for the last few days. I have been ill for about a week, it is that horrific I feel like hell and don’t want to move, yet sadly I am still well enough to move so will, kind of ill. My mum has contracted whatever this virus masquerading as a cold is (it’s worse than a cold it makes you ache and nauseous) I had, but have yet to get over fully. Mum has it worse and it is Fanny Adams heres, fault.

    My mum is doing a rather good impression of a dying swan and I’m sure I’d be more sympathetic if I didn’t feel like doing the same impression myself. I’m still struggling in to work which is a mistake because two of my co workers are at war and despite claiming to be Switzerland they are both desperately still trying to get me onside and increasing my head ache. Dad who debatable might be a help is in Berlin, at one point I knew why, but now it has been lost in the foggy mist of my mucus filled head. My brother would help me look after mum but he is ….well a man and if he catches it…. I’m not dealing with man flu, no way, no how. And if that wasn’t bad enough our boiler decided to conk out this morning and cold showers do not help with moaning and aching bodies.

I want my mum back so she can take care of me and so I can moan, it’s no fun being ill if no one is going to look after you. I thought mums were meant to be invincible, superhero s even, surely that’s the gig right? They are not meant to snivelling, whining children themselves. And can I ask at what point do you get the special mummy handbook that tells you how to make people feel better? Is it possible to get it without actually having to have children? I give up, I’m going to take an unhealthy amount of shop bought drugs and snuggle down with my mum and sleep for about 4 hours before my drug induced slumber wears off.