“Not all those who wander are lost;”~ Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien
I am totally lost, really really lost. I am not evening wandering anymore, I’m not going straight, I’m not even moving, I have hesitated and I have stopped. My life has stalled and I feel so misplaced like I’m a thousand miles from where I should be. It’s not the first time I’ve lost my way, but I’m tired of having to find myself, I’m exhausted and I still have to find out where I am and where I am going. I’m terrified that it will take me such long time to recover from this state, that one day I’m gonna wake up and be another year older but be 3 more steps behind, still not on the right path, not travelling the right road.
Don’t misunderstand me I’m still making memories, still doing what I love and laughing, still being me or at least what I can be while I’m lost. It just that I’m not travelling, I’m not moving forward. There is no universal template, no directions, no signs to follow; we are all going our own way, each path is individual, sometimes there are others with us, travelling parallel, but it’s still our own road, making our solitary way. At the crossroad how do you decide which way to go, which is right, which is easiest, which is most rewarding or most challenging?? Which path is happiness, which is what you want, which is what you need??
Can you follow every whim your heart and mind has?? You can’t go in every direction; you have to choose one, not always knowing if it is correct and not knowing where it is heading exactly or where you’ll travel through. For that matter does it matter which path you tread?? All Roads end the same as long as you’re content does it matter how you get there, does it matter if there are roads not taken??
Who are these people who seem to have maps?? Or are they bluffing and just have enough drive to charge ahead in life. They just hurtle down the road seeming to know that if they go straight, don’t turn around and don’t be indecisive that it is the accurate path. How do they find the strength to do this?? Am I just weak, or is it that others and I have just lost sight of where the path is and where is should be going?? What about finding the courage to change course, to know you are going the wrong way?? How brave do you have to be to do this, to change your direction?? When you have been travelling a path for most of your life, to keep your eyes open and not be afraid to recognise that this isn’t what you want and you’ll have to go a different way or worse turn around and go back. Is it okay as long as you keep moving??
I’m not travelling, I’m not achieving anything; I’m not discovering who I am or becoming who I am meant to be. I’m not even really looking for an answer, I just want to figure it out, so I can keep going because I’m really excited about life and about all the roads and paths I’m going to take. It would be nice however to have a little guidance or reassurance that I am heading in the right direction.
Or is that secretly the point, that when what matters is the journey not the destination being a little uncertain is okay. You don’t always have to be on the right track, knowing exactly where you are going. Being lost is okay as long as you keep going on a path, your path, content to travel that road.
More of life’s paths here