I dislike job hunting intensely!! I loathe career hunting but that is a whole different kettle of fish. Career hunting involves figuring out exactly what I want to do, which at times renders me so stressed I’m speech less or have really disturbing thoughts like ‘I just need to go to the gym and relax.’ Blugh! Job hunting only involves finding anything, no matter how trivial, that I can do. Job hunting is what I used to focus on until I got a job, where I don’t get enough money and the hours are long and unpleasant, if I think about it too much, I hate it to the point I want to quit. I don’t of course, I need this job because as I hunt for something better I realise how difficult that is. Knowing how lucky I am to have a job in this current climate doesn’t help as much as you would think.
I suppose it would help if I knew what I wanted to do. I have always had a vague idea of what I wanted to do, what grades I wanted, what I wanted to study, where I wanted to go after and whatever happened while I completed these vague notions was great. Now however I don’t even have a vague notion. I had an idea, I have now lost faith in it. I wanted to be a teacher, I’ve spent a life wanting to do nothing else; I just got scared, what if doing the same thing everyday I’d get jaded and be a bad teacher. I couldn’t bare that. There is also a lot I would like to achieve outside of teaching that would be difficult, there is a lot I want to do and I’ve come to the conclusion one life is not long enough to do it all. I could do lots of jobs, different jobs but I never really get anywhere, never progress. On the other hand I could choose a career and basically be doing the same thing for the rest of my life and as short as life is, a life time is a long time to do something you only vaguely like. I guess life is contradictory like that and jobs and careers just feel limiting.
I wonder how many of my generation or any generation just fall into careers while just looking for a job and it turned out to be right path? Do I just keep doing jobs and hope that one develops into a career? I am I expecting too much to do something I love? Should I simply focus on doing something I can stand? I never minded the lack of plan but I mind not having any idea of what I want to do, it feels like I’m on the edge of a huge foggy abyss. I worry about missing an opportunity, missing out on doing what I really want to do. Maybe I shouldn’t worry, I’m young, I could do anything, I just worry I’ll end up doing nothing.