Okay I’ll be honest my absence hasn’t just been about the lack of internet; mostly it’s the internet but not entirely.
I’m the type of person who when things get difficult or bad in life, I withdraw, put my head down and get on with life. I haven’t really figured out if there is another option other than that.
This makes things difficult for my friends because I won’t talk to them about anything until after the fact or after I sorted out my own feelings and thoughts. I think my closest friends see this as an inability to trust and let people in. It’s not that I just think that everyone has their own problems and I’m not going to load mine on someone unless I have to. The thing is, is that I never feel alone because I know that I have friends there for me and will be there if I need them and that knowledge is the greatest help to me. Sometime I wish I was better at vocalising that fact.
Recently it feels like the bad has been never ending and every time I get a footing and my bearings something else happens to destroy whatever hold or understanding I may have. I feel overwhelmed, filled with grief and just exhausted. I haven’t figured out how to deal with the rug been pulled out from beneath me and I worry that one day I’ll have to do it all alone with no safety net and I will just fall. That thought doesn’t help. I’m just clinging on to every tiny bit of good right now, and waiting out the storm.