So where is my copy of…?

I really need to start blogging in the morning before work, or while at work (ha, I wish) because I think there is a black hole that just swallows up my evenings. I’d like to think that all this time will somehow return to me at a later date through the black hole but it’s highly doubtful. I’m not even sure what I’m doing in the evening because it is not my usual pursuit of reading.

Recently I have, however, been pondering the great universal question of how to organise my bookshelf, this may seem inconsequential to some but for me it is a fundamental to my existence. I’m beginning to think that if every book has a place then the answers to life’s questions are always easily found. Who cares if scientists have found the Higgs boson (I do really) but what is the importance of the fundamental question of the universe when compared to where do I put the Iliad: Poetry, history or classic? And Artemis Fowl: young lit, fantasy, adventure or crime?

Questions like how many categories to have, become insurmountable decisions. Too many and there is little point in having them; too few and there is little help in finding the book you want. How then do you organise the books within a category, alphabetically or by author? By Author, okay but what if you can’t remember the author’s name? You could go by the title of the book but what if you are in search of something else but the author that you know is somewhere but you just can’t remember where. Then there is the trusted order by favouritism or how much a book is liked but well that leaves books long forgotten in some obscure part of the book shelf in an uncomfortable out if reach place.

Which leads to the most difficult question, where do you place each category? Which categories need to be the most easily accessed and what do you do if by some unfortunate happening you favourite book is in a category in an awkward place? What books an ever be afforded to be placed in an inaccessible place? And finally how important is chronology? I struggle with authors names let alone when a book was written and I may not have even brought the books in the order of release if I discovering a new writer.

So here’s my theory, when I have a sprawling library I will have multiple copies, and I will have every book and everything in the universe mapped, ordered and categorised, I’ll be happy and have the answer to everything.

Okay I’ll be honest my absence hasn’t just been about the lack of internet; mostly it’s the internet but not entirely.

I’m the type of person who when things get difficult or bad in life, I withdraw, put my head down and get on with life. I haven’t really figured out if there is another option other than that.

This makes things difficult for my friends because I won’t talk to them about anything until after the fact or after I sorted out my own feelings and thoughts. I think my closest friends see this as an inability to trust and let people in. It’s not that I just think that everyone has their own problems and I’m not going to load mine on someone unless I have to. The thing is, is that I never feel alone because I know that I have friends there for me and will be there if I need them and that knowledge is the greatest help to me. Sometime I wish I was better at vocalising that fact.

Recently it feels like the bad has been never ending and every time I get a footing and my bearings something else happens to destroy whatever hold or understanding I may have. I feel overwhelmed, filled with grief and just exhausted. I haven’t figured out how to deal with the rug been pulled out from beneath me and I worry that one day I’ll have to do it all alone with no safety net and I will just fall. That thought doesn’t help. I’m just clinging on to every tiny bit of good right now, and waiting out the storm.

To Err is Human

A person is born and then they die and in between a lot of mistakes are made, an awful lot of mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn and how we form good judgement, (which, quite likely we will go and ignore anyway). Mistakes often form more of us than our successes and mistakes show us what the right decision and course is.

I don’t think a person should be judged by their mistakes, because everyone makes them and a life that is full of should, could and might hasn’t lived. What matters is what a person does after their mistake; the mark of a good person is their action after the error. Sometimes we make a wrong judgement and sometimes it is a blunder or a simple slip-up, it happens we’re human it is only a terrible thing if we let it be.

Just because someone messes up doesn’t mean that things cannot be changed for the better, for example I made a terrible error in my dance exam. I couldn’t change my mistake, all I could do was determine if I was going to give up or resolve to finish performing with everything I had and make-up for the fault. The problem is it is often much easier to give up, do nothing or blame some else when mistakes happen and things go wrong, it is always harder to try and fix something. We are faced with the decisions to run from or learn from things every day, it is only when we chose to learn or fix something that good will come from it. I ended up trying harder in my exam than perhaps I may have done had I not made the mistake, I ended up with highest honours.

In the end the sun will rise and the sun will set no matter what mistake I make, but after all that, it is down to you to decide if the mistake will remain a blunder or fault. As with everything it is down to me to decide how things will turn out for good or for bad, it is down to me to turn a decision into the correct path or an error. As with most decisions and paths, a mistake has the potential to change a life.

Missing words

I have not spent all my down time in the last couple of days reading missed WordPress post from the last 3 weeks, nope, definitely not :/

I’m currently seeing this guy and why this may not be a very big deal to me it is to everyone around me apparently. When it comes to my relationships I tend to keep things to myself, it is my business and I like to keep my family and friends well out of it. I mean if I have no idea what is going on, why would I let anyone else have an idea of what may or may not going on? This time however he is a friend of my sisters and the best friend of my cousin so they know and now everyone else knows. No chance of playing my cards close to my chest as everyone finally has a chance to be involved in my relationship.

I used to think as I got older I would have more of an idea about romantic relationships. I don’t. I don’t think relationships are ever simple, there is just a whole new range of issues and problems, and I think love, at least Hollywood, novel, fairytale love is an unrealistic goal. I just don’t think it is out there. None the less, I like dating, I like people, I like being appreciated, I like knowing I make someone happy, I like caring about someone, and I like having someone special.

My usual problem with relationships is I like space, lots of space. This really puts people on edge, they begin to think I don’t like them or I’m not interested. It’s not that I’m not interested, if I wasn’t interested why would I spend time with someone in the first place. I just don’t need a text every five minutes or a phone call, funny enough I haven’t done anything in that short period of time to talk about. I’m also not going to change all my plans to see someone, I have other friends and other commitments that I need to attend to, I will not drop everything, I had a life before I was dating and I’ll have one after. I’m like this, I like my world and sometimes I like to be alone in it, sometimes with friends and family, or working but I will always make time and room for someone. If someone doesn’t like this or wants me to change, I don’t think I am the girl for them.

For once my space issues are not the problem. This is something of a breakthrough considering I’m seeing a guy who texts me every morning at 7am before my alarm goes off. This is every day, very early and I don’t mind, sometimes I take a while to text back but I always do. I have either matured or I quite like this guy. He is also really lovely, which sounds really underwhelming but he is. He is delightful and sweet and really seems to like me. My problem is we are running out of things to talk about, really there is very little left for us to discuss. We don’t have a huge amount in common and I’m beginning to think that there is little point pursuing a relationship when we don’t have any conversation.

No matter how much you enjoy someone’s company and affection surely without conversation there is no future? Is it pointless to continue a relationship with no future, or is it okay to stay in it when you like someone and they like you and just letting the relationship runs its course?

An Old friend in London Town

What I’ll remember most about yesterday was the soaring temperature, the dry air and sticky skin, fidgeting and grinning from overwhelming excitement and anticipation and the shear relief of hearing an almost lost voice and having a hug I have missed. The last time I was in London was a little under a year ago and last time I saw Kat was a little over 2 years and 2 weeks ago. I love both immensely, for wildly different reasons but I don’t see either as much as I would like.

Kat was my roommate while I was studying in America, I hadn’t shared a room since I was eight and despised the idea of having no solitary escape. Kat made having a roommate not only bearable but a wonderful part of my experience in America. She made what had been a sparse and gloomy room, home by filling it with trinkets, colour, noise and friendship. When I finally returned to Britain and my own room, I felt like someone had ripped away part of my being, she had been such a big part of my life it was odd to now have a life and a room without her.

I can’t remember ever really doing the tourist thing in London but who could say no to that chance and seeing an old friend?? London has never disappointed me but to look at everything through the eyes of a traveller was incredible. No one cares that it is over crowed, with people rushing or the expense; we were idle and easy going, swapping stories, answering question (seriously who knew I could regurgitate so much crap about the Royals) and filling her in on a whistle stop tour of London and Britain’s culture and quirks.

We started at London Bridge before following the South Bank of the Thames to the Globe. I love it at the Globe there is so much history there and the white round architecture always amuses me. We than went next door to the Tate, which I have to say is an extraordinarily ugly building considering it houses some beautiful art work. Yesterday they also had a BBQ outside, expensive but good. We followed the burger with a walk across the Millennium Bridge (the one that gets destroyed in the Harry Potter films) to S. Pauls on the opposite side of the river. This is a stunning building and the  gardens at the beginning of summer smell fantastic. We strolled up The Mall to Buckingham Palace and down The Mall to Trafalgar Square where we people watched whilst discussing education, politics, art, music and sports just like when we were hiding in our room pretending to work.  We found time to squeeze in a visit to  St. James Park, Piccadilly Circus before it got dark and we arrived in Leicester Square  it got dark and finally we ate at a proper English pub (or at least as proper as it gets in London).

I loved every moment of it even when my camera died, particularly that I was acting like a complete  tourist. When I go to London I go to shop, to the theatre or an exhibition, for work, I don’t see London, it’s just another city. I adored yesterday because I felt like I was seeing bits I had missed and because I was with amazing people. I was with Kat and in a prolonged moment of a day, doing all those things was so much better. So here is the upside to being a bit older, I can afford to go to London and buy my friend dinner. I can spend the day doing nothing and it be a wonderful guilty pleasure because I can drop everything and still go to work the next day. I’m now old enough to have a friend from years ago who lives in a different country and maintain it.   

Why a slow week at work is bad for your health.

I remember in my youth (ha like I’m old now) that some weeks used to feel like they dragged but I don’t think I have every really understood the idea of a slow week until I got a job. I’m an underling, and when work is quiet I have nothing and I mean NOTHING to do. I mean what do adults do at work, when there is nothing to do. When I was at school I passed notes and day dreamed of the promise of 8 hot hazy summer weeks, I don’t even get those any more. I have also come to the conclusion that a sluggish week at work is incredibly bad for your health.

  1. A slow week at work means I’ve become frustrated, anxious and stressed, I’m not only bored but completely puzzled where has all the work gone?? I had some last week, so where is this weeks?? Have I just missed it, is there something massively important I am meant to be doing that I’m not?? Is it all just piling up and I’m  going to end up dealing with it all next week, which lets face it, would suck for future me. This worry makes me feel nauseous.
  2. Fear sets in as well like I said I’m an underling and if there is no work there is no job and I’ll be the first to go. Maybe I should be spending all this spare time figuring out how to make the copier machine work when the odd little light comes on and become a little less expendable. All this fear is equally not nice and I worry I may lose sleep; well actually the worry about losing sleep is making me lose sleep.
  3. Increased intake of coffee, tea and biscuits are beginning to take there toll. Having the time to frequent the kitchen is not helping the waist line, I can’t even remember how many cookies I had today and I pretty sure I don’t want to.
  4. I’ve started chit chatting with the people I work with more, because I now have the opportunity and this had lead to some of the most mundane conversations imaginable. I have also come to realise that I don’t like half of them as much as I thought I did. I also find out things I really really really didn’t want to know.
  5. After I have become lethargic, frustrated, worried, scared, fat and isolated it will inevitably not be a slow week next week, it will be a hectic week and I will want to go in a corner and cry and shout at the cosmos for just being irritating.


White dresses and a level up in the game of life.

My friend has moved her wedding forward by a year from September 2013 to September 2012. I’m sorry to say I was first in there with the unoriginal question ‘Are you Pregnant?’ I couldn’t help it. I am vastly ecstatic because they got engaged and then the wedding seemed so far away, now it is the highlight at the end of my summer, let alone theirs. The bride is a wonderful friend from university and her fiancée is fab, I spend a large amount of time in their spare room when I’m visiting friends in trade for a bottle of wine. I have spent many happy hours with them and I can’t wait to see them marry, I plan to cry a sea of tears and drink way too much in their honour. They are a couple that is so established in my world that if they separated I’m sure the universe would rip at the seams.


White dresses

The dresses

I’m not going to be a bridesmaid; however I spent the weekend wedding dress shopping with the bride to be and her mother. Would you believe it, the first dress, in the first shop was just perfect and nothing else after could measure up. This didn’t stop her trying on lots of dresses, I watched her try on white gown after white gown and started to feel, well, a little odd. I have never really wanted to get married, I was always in the train of thought that if you loved someone and wanted to spend your life with them just do it, why do you need a piece of paper to prove that you do or will. It’s not like in today’s society it means a lot, every marriage seems doomed to fail before it has started. Despite my cynicism and my generation’s apparent determination to devalue marriage, I always feel overwhelmingly happy when someone tells me they are going to tie the knot, I think it’s because in that moment that person seems incandescently happy. In the bridal shop, staring at mountains of white, cream, ivory, satin and lace I started to wonder if I wanted a big white dress? I can’t imagine thinking I could spend the rest of my life with anyone, let alone wanting or even choosing someone to do that with. Just because I can’t imagine it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like it, it doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t make me content, it just means I have to do some serious revaluation of what makes me happy.

Everyone around me is in long term relationships, engagements and marriage. Me? Well I joined a Facebook group called ‘My friends are getting married, I’m getting drunk’, yes this is probably childish but it feels like I’m playing a game and I just went up a level in difficultly. It feels like I’m getting old and this doesn’t sit well with me, do I have to start checking for glinting gold bands on the left hand every time someone I am remotely attracted to starts talking to me? I am going to start getting sympathy looks every time I say I’m single, watching a small flash of fear in their eye as they panic I’m might burst into tears over my singleton status or even worse they might catch singletonitis? Or heartbreakingly worse am I going to be deserted, left behind by my friends? Is there room in married life for the single girl chasing a Neverland dream? If I fight to keep my friends will they accept me, chasing happiness that’s not like theirs or will we just drift apart on different tides??

If I could make a speech to the world at 17.

Question 778

Question 778

When I was about 17 this was the speech I wanted to make to the world, well Western society at least. I doubt it would be the one I would make today but when I read the question it got me thinking about this speech and how much it meant to me. I still believe a lot of the points I made and the anger and feeling behind it are valid.

Childhood has never been straight forward and in resent years there is a growing consensus that it is in a peculiarly parlous state. What is this so-called parlous state? Academics and children’s experts say that a deadly cocktail of junk food and electronic entertainment, combined with the sinister effects of over-competitive schooling and marketing are poisoning our childhoods. I would like to put it to you that this consensus is fuelled by adults who have all too quickly forgotten childhood and its true form. These adults look back on their childhood through rose-tinted glasses to see an adult imagined world of what they believe it was like.

Is electronic entertainment driving children in doors such a bad thing? Adults would have you believe that children spend hours in darkened rooms in front of a box that sends out images of violence. The fact that there has always been violence in the play ground, in cartoons and in fairy tales doesn’t come in to the argument. Research carried out by the BBC state that children are more likely to be disturbed by violence seen on the news than in fictional media. Adults complain that children no longer go out to see their friends instead they turn on a computer and chat with them without having to make the laborious effort of having to see them face to face. I personally believe that not enough is time given to research that suggest that computer games can assist children’s social and educational development. Young people are using technology to make music, learn and connect with friends across the globe.

Adults insist that children’s childhoods are becoming shorter and that we are growing up far to fast. This could be because never before has there been such a relentless barrage of marketing aimed at children. That there are more and more images of adults present as an aspiration for children, with the perfect make-up and hair, dressed from head to toe in height of fashion. Yet this marketing is a mirror image of that aimed at adults. Children are merely following in their parents foot steps.

Are children really growing up faster? Children may smoke and have mobile phones but this does not mean they have the ability to leave home or get a job. Economic independence is harder to reach by children today unlike forty years ago when it was not unusual for children to be working by the age of sixteen. This illustrates how difficult it is for children to reach the traditional milestones of adulthood: owning your own home, having a job and getting married with children is being push further back in life.

These however I believe to a cover of a greater embarrassment to adults not children and that is with all our advance in technology and understanding; and all their knowledge teachers and parents are still facing the same problems they did a millennium ago when it comes to children. There has always been great pressure on children, yet adults are still no closer to understanding how to deal with them. We all know what childhood is, but what defines a good childhood and when does it end. The last of course is that all gown ups know what it is like to be a child but there greatest fear is that they will not understand their own children.

If you could make a speech to the world what would it be??

Totally Selfish

I been away a while, sorry, but life, the universe and everything seemed in collusion to make things hectic. Fair warning this post is about me being very very selfish, I am aware of this and sadly like most feelings when you’re aware of them they just become more intense and grotesque.

I never bring my relationships home to meet the parents mainly because I very rarely think these prospective better halves will go anywhere so there would be little point. That or I might have to admit I really like the person and they would have to find out what a loud, interactive and teasing family I have and I could never do that to myself let alone another living thing! I’m related to my family I don’t have a choice but others do! My romantic relationships are one of the few things in my life other than mental health that I’m not very vocal about. It is my business and no one else’s. Both my brother and sister however have partners that have been brought home to meet the parents and the rest of the family. I would call them serious relationships; they have to be if you’re willing to put them through that.

My brother’s partner is a wonderful person I went to uni with and we were part of the same social circle and society there. We are friends in our own right; we have a relationship that is independent of her relationship with my brother. My sister’s partner I just happen to work with and he is a lovely guy but if I didn’t have to work with him I wouldn’t have relationship with him other than being my sister’s boyfriend and I would be quite happy with that. Both partners are fabulous company and it doesn’t seem lots of effort has to be made for them to fit with our clan. They are well come attendants at family meals and parties and get on exceptionally well with everyone. This doesn’t mean my sister should just go and invite her partner to my birthday meal without asking me.

Really she shouldn’t because it was just going to be my parents, me, my cousin (who is basically a sister) and my brother and sister. At no point are my cousin and brother bringing their partners so why has my sister without telling me gone and invited him and rebooked the table? I know this will make me sound like a three year old but IT’S MY BIRTHDAY WHY CAN’T I INVITE WHO I WANT? I’m only having a dinner because I’m not allowed to ignore my birthday completely. If one partner is coming they should all be coming, starting with my brothers girlfriend because I’m actually friends with her, then my cousins boyfriend because he runs in our social circle and then it should be my sister’s boyfriend because I only work with him. Now it looks like I’m being rude by not inviting the other partners and rude at work. I haven’t invited any of the people at work I’m friends with to do anything for my birthday at all.

Now I’m massively irritated because I don’t understand, when does become obligatory to invite partners? Does it matter that it’s my birthday and I want to invite the people I want to invite? Is this completely unreasonable or is it as I get older it’s just something that happens? I mean it’s not like I said no partners allowed I just didn’t invite them, but I’m not even bringing my own! What I really don’t understand is why this bothers me so much.

O well my sister has no idea I actually smiled when she told me and said that would be lovely while my brother pulled a face as I said more the merrier. Bad move it turns out, since he knows I wanted something quiet, he has decided that he will invite my friends out for drinks after, even the ones that don’t get along with my sister’s boyfriend. Instead of making me feel better I just feel like my birthday is going to turn into a lot of posturing and I’m going to go down ill in the next couple of hours so I can give it a miss. Or take a camera. I haven’t decided. I feel this is all so melodramatic of me but I don’t understand, how did trying to ignore my 22nd birthday has turned into a perhaps showdown of friends and family and me acting like I’m 5??

Green eyed monster and other fiends

Jealousy is an ugly thing, it is horrible when it takes hold of you, the “green-ey’d monster that doth mock The meat it feeds on” (Othello, Shakespeare) and what is worse you can’t save someone else from the monster’s grip. You can’t change how people feel. I find that as I get older that the main problem when trying to maintain relationships is that you can’t control how people feel. Then again if you could control how someone felt life would be much simpler. I can’t stop someone having feelings for me or not as the case maybe. I can’t help it is someone is jealous or disappointed and I can’t stop a person being tactless or feeling humiliated. I can’t stand that, that other people maybe hurt and there isn’t very much I can do about it.

I dislike people who lead devoted admirers on because they like the attention but have no romantic interest in them, it setting them up for an agonising fall. No you can’t stop a person liking you but you can control your actions around them and stop leading them on. Two of my friends are currently engaged in this dance and I worry about the fallout and the pain that will be cause and whether either party is really ready for it. You can’t stop a person being jealous but you can try to appease the situation and know when to call it a day if it’s not going to change. My colleague at work is determined to make a relationship work with a man who is cause hurt by her every move it seems. You can’t stop someone being hurt by a joke but you can stop telling it and you can’t stop someone feeling disappointed in you but you can at least try. I’m sorry to say when I was younger, for a short period, I manipulated people’s emotions to get what I wanted and since I couldn’t change how people felt I chose to simply not care. It didn’t last long I find it heartbreaking to see people unhappy and am happy to do everything to make someone smile just a little bit.

You can’t control how other people feel, you can’t control if they fall in love or what they will find ridiculous or how they will react to an event. As I’ve got older I have watched more and more people try to manipulate others emotions or pre-empt how people will react, I have watched these interactions with limited success. Now I’m older I realise you can’t predict how people will feel, you can only control your own actions and the intent of those actions. I find it distressing that I can’t promise that people will always like what I do or that someone won’t end up being hurt, all I can do within my own power is to endeavour to do what I think is right and to the best of my abilities not cause pain to those around me. This doesn’t mean I won’t cause someone pain, I already have and I probably will again, it just means I’ll strive to do minimal damage.