Missing words

I have not spent all my down time in the last couple of days reading missed WordPress post from the last 3 weeks, nope, definitely not :/

I’m currently seeing this guy and why this may not be a very big deal to me it is to everyone around me apparently. When it comes to my relationships I tend to keep things to myself, it is my business and I like to keep my family and friends well out of it. I mean if I have no idea what is going on, why would I let anyone else have an idea of what may or may not going on? This time however he is a friend of my sisters and the best friend of my cousin so they know and now everyone else knows. No chance of playing my cards close to my chest as everyone finally has a chance to be involved in my relationship.

I used to think as I got older I would have more of an idea about romantic relationships. I don’t. I don’t think relationships are ever simple, there is just a whole new range of issues and problems, and I think love, at least Hollywood, novel, fairytale love is an unrealistic goal. I just don’t think it is out there. None the less, I like dating, I like people, I like being appreciated, I like knowing I make someone happy, I like caring about someone, and I like having someone special.

My usual problem with relationships is I like space, lots of space. This really puts people on edge, they begin to think I don’t like them or I’m not interested. It’s not that I’m not interested, if I wasn’t interested why would I spend time with someone in the first place. I just don’t need a text every five minutes or a phone call, funny enough I haven’t done anything in that short period of time to talk about. I’m also not going to change all my plans to see someone, I have other friends and other commitments that I need to attend to, I will not drop everything, I had a life before I was dating and I’ll have one after. I’m like this, I like my world and sometimes I like to be alone in it, sometimes with friends and family, or working but I will always make time and room for someone. If someone doesn’t like this or wants me to change, I don’t think I am the girl for them.

For once my space issues are not the problem. This is something of a breakthrough considering I’m seeing a guy who texts me every morning at 7am before my alarm goes off. This is every day, very early and I don’t mind, sometimes I take a while to text back but I always do. I have either matured or I quite like this guy. He is also really lovely, which sounds really underwhelming but he is. He is delightful and sweet and really seems to like me. My problem is we are running out of things to talk about, really there is very little left for us to discuss. We don’t have a huge amount in common and I’m beginning to think that there is little point pursuing a relationship when we don’t have any conversation.

No matter how much you enjoy someone’s company and affection surely without conversation there is no future? Is it pointless to continue a relationship with no future, or is it okay to stay in it when you like someone and they like you and just letting the relationship runs its course?

White dresses and a level up in the game of life.

My friend has moved her wedding forward by a year from September 2013 to September 2012. I’m sorry to say I was first in there with the unoriginal question ‘Are you Pregnant?’ I couldn’t help it. I am vastly ecstatic because they got engaged and then the wedding seemed so far away, now it is the highlight at the end of my summer, let alone theirs. The bride is a wonderful friend from university and her fiancée is fab, I spend a large amount of time in their spare room when I’m visiting friends in trade for a bottle of wine. I have spent many happy hours with them and I can’t wait to see them marry, I plan to cry a sea of tears and drink way too much in their honour. They are a couple that is so established in my world that if they separated I’m sure the universe would rip at the seams.


White dresses

The dresses

I’m not going to be a bridesmaid; however I spent the weekend wedding dress shopping with the bride to be and her mother. Would you believe it, the first dress, in the first shop was just perfect and nothing else after could measure up. This didn’t stop her trying on lots of dresses, I watched her try on white gown after white gown and started to feel, well, a little odd. I have never really wanted to get married, I was always in the train of thought that if you loved someone and wanted to spend your life with them just do it, why do you need a piece of paper to prove that you do or will. It’s not like in today’s society it means a lot, every marriage seems doomed to fail before it has started. Despite my cynicism and my generation’s apparent determination to devalue marriage, I always feel overwhelmingly happy when someone tells me they are going to tie the knot, I think it’s because in that moment that person seems incandescently happy. In the bridal shop, staring at mountains of white, cream, ivory, satin and lace I started to wonder if I wanted a big white dress? I can’t imagine thinking I could spend the rest of my life with anyone, let alone wanting or even choosing someone to do that with. Just because I can’t imagine it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like it, it doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t make me content, it just means I have to do some serious revaluation of what makes me happy.

Everyone around me is in long term relationships, engagements and marriage. Me? Well I joined a Facebook group called ‘My friends are getting married, I’m getting drunk’, yes this is probably childish but it feels like I’m playing a game and I just went up a level in difficultly. It feels like I’m getting old and this doesn’t sit well with me, do I have to start checking for glinting gold bands on the left hand every time someone I am remotely attracted to starts talking to me? I am going to start getting sympathy looks every time I say I’m single, watching a small flash of fear in their eye as they panic I’m might burst into tears over my singleton status or even worse they might catch singletonitis? Or heartbreakingly worse am I going to be deserted, left behind by my friends? Is there room in married life for the single girl chasing a Neverland dream? If I fight to keep my friends will they accept me, chasing happiness that’s not like theirs or will we just drift apart on different tides??

Too hot for sleep.

My wonderful Mother received this text message from me.

“What do you do if a boy is too hot in bed to sleep but otherwise perfectly fine?? Xx”

Yeah, okay, you like my mum can get you minds out the gutter right now!! This text message was about one of the boys I was babysitting last night, not about a man that was simply too exciting for sleep. I eventually did get the 7 year old boy to slip off back to sleep but apparently texting your mum at 11:30 at night, when she can’t remember where you are will lead her to assume all sorts of smutty things. My mum assumed that my enthralling text had been sent to her by mistake and had to spend some time remembering where her first daughter was.  It seems once she remembered I had several little boys in my care the text made so much more sense. I did eventually get a response to my child care issue but by then, the minimal maternal instinct I have, finally kicked in and my issue was resolved.

Since last night my mum has taken to showing my text message to everyone, my siblings, my cousin, our neighbours and her friends and everyone laughs. I missed the joke; at no point could I see the unintentional crude innuendo in my text. I am utterly ashamed, not that I sent a perhaps embarrassing text, I am embarrassed that I missed the humour. I was a student only a year ago how can I have lost that vulgar sense of humour that is integral to all students, I refuse to be that old already. My mum thinks it’s hysterical and she is much older than me; please never inform her I said that ever.

I love the fact my mum thinks I would ask this question and that she is imaginative enough to paint the wrong picture but completely disappointed that she thinks I’d ask anyone other than her. Why would I bother asking anyone else?? As far as I am concerned my mother is the all seeing all knowing oracle of my world. Who laughs at me, because she can ……because she knows I’ll always ask for whatever I need. I love how everyone I know has such a rude mind, it’s nice to know that apparently you never grow up from being 19; where everything can have a smutty but humorous spin on it if you don’t take things too seriously.

Anyway, I figure that not getting a reply from my mum is a good thing, I know I can handle a boy no matter how hot he is in bed….. and you can take that anyway you like 😛

Valentine’s Day

I don’t get Valentine’s Day and yes before you ask I am single and have no one to share it with, but even when I do I still don’t get it. Really I don’t, in fact when I’m with someone who wants to make a fuss I immediately begin to rethink the relationship because they have to a lunatic, just a little bit, to age themselves by 3 years with the stress of Valentine’s day. I mean who enjoys Valentine’s day?? The lady?? No because whatever happens she will worry about what will happen and whether or not she’ll like it because she isn’t in control. The gentleman?? No he won’t like because he will worry about how it will go and if he is doing the right thing for the day because he is in control. And that’s if you in a heterosexual relationship I seen fights over valentine’s day plans between my homosexual friends that have ended relationships, well after Valentine’s day because after all that fuss you have to go through with it.

Apparently the average person spends 31 years on a diet or trying to lose weight, so how are chocolates appropriate?? Here darling I know you’re trying really hard to feel really good about yourself but forget that, it’s really not that important and you know if you don’t eat the 2 trays of chocolates you’ll just feel guilty because I went to all the effort of getting you your favourite chocolates. And Flowers, really?? I mean I get that flowers are beautiful and a reflection of your relationship but you know they do have a terrible habit of withering and dying.

Then there is the romantic evening out where couples are in competitions with each other. I have been stuck at a table for 4 with 2 complete strangers, separated by a fan. I spent most the night trying not to interrupt their conversation, this, maybe, kind be because my partners was so dull. Then there is the overpriced food that is always a charcoal mess, with underdone sides, served by a surly waitress or waiter who sadly doesn’t have anything better to do on Valentine’s Day.

I mean you could ignore Valentine’s Day but no matter how you try and rationalise, you always seem a bit bitter and sad, even if you’re in a relationship, you run the risk of upsetting your partner who secretly wants to do something amazing. If you try to be original, you’ll probably over think it and freak out. Valentine’s never lives up to the hype, sure it’s lovely but it’s never amazing.

I mean other than Valentine’s the only days that you have to show affection are anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas. Four days, that’s all , may I ask what are you doing for the other 361 days of the year that are so important you can’t find just a couple more to devote to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?? Valentine ’s Day is an excuse for lazy people not worry about their relationship for the other 361 days; which is silly as then there is all this pressure on one day, that’s it one day to get it all right to show how much you love this person. I am missing something, is everyone else in the world superhuman and has managed to crack this impossible feet of fitting 361 days of love and wonderment into one day??

Confessions of a Coffee addict.

I’m British, so the statement I love coffee more than I love tea is pretty dangerous. At worst for saying it I can be done for treason and brainwashed into becoming a devoted traditional tea drinker against my will and at best shunned by the people I know as I am followed by a sea of disgusted whispers where ever I go. Consequently I would be grateful if you could all keep this little confession under your hat, it will save me having a bright light shined in my eyes as I am interrogated by the UK Department of M.S.T.O.S.T. (Maintenance of Stereotypes, Traditions and Other Silly Things.)

It may have taken me 21 years and some intensive therapy but I am ready to admit that coffee is amazing…. and I might be a little bit addicted to it. Not in a bad way, caffeine has never given me a buzz in fact coffee tends to send me to sleep(?!) and despite the fact I can quite happily drink 6 or 7 cups in a day, I don’t have any negative effects if I don’t get my 6 or 7 hits. I assume this is because I’m young and not some sort of oddity. I just really, really, really-really, REALLY adore coffee.

Coffee is wonderfully versatile as a hot beverage, you can have it for breakfast, mid-morning, for dessert and in the evening, coffee is basically a marvellous treat that is good at anytime of the day. It oozes warm and fuzzy feelings and has a fabulous smell that is so iconic there is a saying about it. The one taste that can be altered a hundred ways and still is worth waiting in obscene queues and paying for.

“Wanna have coffee?” are three words that are truly enticing, whether it’s to get on the right side of your boss at work, taking a break from the pressures of shopping life or someone just being nice; they are lovely words. There is nothing more pleasing than hearing them from a friend, to have a good old catch up, or that tickle of anticipation when someone special asks. Coffee at these times is awesome.

I get excited by a tall mug of steaming black coffee, no matter when, where or how I am having it. I regularly declare undying love for someone who produces coffee for me; it is the quickest way to my heart.  I only have great associations with coffee, to this day my favourite birthday cake was coffeecake with coffee frosting and I am now devoted the person who made it.  I have memories of making mugs of coffee with friends and taking them to the ruins of a castle to watch the sunset. I have written brilliant essays with the help of coffee. I honestly believe if I had enough coffee there is nothing I couldn’t do.I have been posting all things pretty and coffee here all week.

My First Big Fat Wedding

At the weekend I attended a wedding. At the weekend I went to my first wedding. At the weekend I went to a wedding on my own. At the weekend I went to a wedding as an ‘adult’.

As you have probably guessed I went to a wedding at the weekend. It was a simple affair that was very far beyond my comfort zone. I had never been to a wedding, not even as a child, (I had either not been invited or figured it would be incredible dull) so I was nervous; I had no idea what to expect and only a vague notion of what was going to happen. I decided this was a big gap in my knowledge as an adult. That along with what the hell do you wear to a wedding, no, no wait a semi-formal wedding? I had to be an adult as well, this meant making small talk, smiling in all the right places, saying the right things, you know being charismatic and witty and wonderful rather than turning up, running round and eating too much and falling asleep under some coats. (Remind me why is being an adult is a good thing?)

I also went stag; not that I was given a choice as I didn’t have a “plus one” not being in a “committed long term relationship” however, it was awkward as I knew no one else there. I’d rather however go single to these things, having to entertain myself is much easier than hanging out with friends and a date where you have to micro manage and maintain time with everyone (I’d rather be a lemon in the corner than frustrated with people I like not playing nice ). It was odd, I am quite close to the bride and get along well with the groom, however I have limited and sporadic contract with her family and she lives too far away for me to know her friends. This meant shock, horror I was going to have to mingle, while I can think of worse things to do, it’s undoubtedly a lot of hard work.

I did know one person there, like the bride she was an old friend from the school we all attended, she was married annnnnnnd had two ridiculously beautiful and charming children in tow. (I didn’t avoid her wedding I was in America at the time) It was a lovely catch-up but I felt very aware that despite my two friends being a year older than me I was the maid, and they were the bride and the matron with children. Honestly I felt closer to the children making themselves sick than to my friends who seemed to be racing away from me. I was, however, mildly reassured by the vicar who during his sermon said that it wasn’t that you grew up and then got married but more that when you got married you grew up. Apparently if I want to feel more like an adult I’m going to have to get a ring on my finger.  Hmmmmmm.

Bonfire Cake

Bonfire Cake or Spiced Toffee and Apple Cake has rapidly become a favourite in our home, well for everyone except my brother who is basically allergic everything and cannot eat it. After unearthing this in one of my Aunts magazines I went and ferreted it out on the internet. (Honestly what was cooking like before you could go and look everything up on the internet??) After only having it in our possession for a month or so my mum and I have baked it 3 or 4 times and while autumn is rolling on we have no intension to stop.

It reminds me of toffee apples and has a rich, fiery almost Christmas smell. This Bonfire night inspired cake for me reflects blazing colours of the leaves and warms you up. It also doesn’t hurt that it goes quite well with a steaming cup of coffee or tea and is fantastic to snuggle down with when things are getting chilly outside.

My Bonfire Cake

My Bonfire Cake

We like a little more kick in our food in our family so we add an extra tsp of Cinnamon, we also only use 8oz of butter rather than 9oz. Also the butter in this recipe really does need to be soft and despite what my own feeling about vanilla extract may be, it really is need in this recipe or it really doesn’t quite taste the same.