Holiday time :)

Passport, passport…….. Where’s my passport?

Can I fit an extra pair of shoes in my case, I’ve got room, but it is already kind of heavy, I only need 3 pairs right?

Why does my suitcase look empty, I’m fairly sure my packing skills aren’t that good so why is there so much room? I’ve forgotten something haven’t I? I have no idea what I’ve forgotten to pack, damn, O I’m not unpacking and checking. Nope I’m not, I had better unpack and check.

Have I got enough sun cream? Have I got enough insect repellent? Do I need a bigger jacket for the plane? Four books is enough for 10 days right? I’m not going to finish them all?

Need to put a bathing costume in my carry on just in case my suit case gets lost.

Where the hell is my passport?

I’m going on holiday, and I am horribly excited even if I do have to have these irritating thoughts running through my head. Actually the thought about the passport I really need to start listening to because I’m leaving this afternoon. Leaving the UK for a better climate is also pointless at the moment because the fabulous weather we have been having, still I’m excited.  I’m going somewhere completely new.

I haven’t been able to go one holiday in ages, my job keeps getting in the way, I had to be a grown up and put that first. I had to cancel one to Florida last minute, I was so upset.  It much easier when I was young, my mum always knew where my passport was, we would go in the school holidays so there was no conflict, and a parent booked it easy.

I love travelling and going on holidays (I even like airports), I love ending up somewhere new and interesting. I love not knowing exactly what I’m going to get where I get there or what I’ll do. It’s opportunity to explore somewhere new and leave your old world behind for a little bit. So happy right now, or would be if I could find my bloody passport.

So I’m on vacation for the 10 days, I’ll you guys when I get back.

It’s good to get lost once in a while

No one likes to get lost, that’s why we have maps, sat navs and 5 year plans. Getting lost is unnerving and frightening; it puts us face to face with the unknown, the unpredictable and unsettles us. Everyone likes to be in control and it is comfortable to always know who and where you are. The thing about getting utterly lost however is that we can learn valuable lessons and occasionally it does us some good. Getting lost can be a wonderful experience.

There are some places where it is good to get lost, the best example of this is Venice. The only way to truly experience this labyrinth is to throw your map into the Grand Canel and go for a wander. Get lost among the ancient street and find all the riches that are hidden in this city. I think to truly know the rhythm of a city you have to get lost in it. Paris will always be a mystery until you found that one cafe tucked away down a forgotten street that you and you alone adore. One of the things that is on that list of things in my head I have to do is get lost in New York just for a little bit and watch the city rush by in all its vivid colour.

There are the times you get lost by accident, lost in listening to music that sings to your heart and in art that speaks to your soul. Everyone at some point has stared into space and meander through thoughts, lost, roaming over hundreds of ideas as the world has just slipped away. You can get lost in your own excitement and interest reminding you what it is like to be truly passionate about something. Then there are moments, moments when the world stops, you become lost in an instant that lasts an age, it fills you up completely and removes you from time and space, and you vanish from the earth.

Getting lost is about gaining a new perspective, strolling off the beaten track and finding your own individual way in the world, to look through your own fresh eyes and not through the used eyes of hundreds of people before you. Getting lost means you can find something new, something unique, it’s how you find that beach with no one on it, that shop with the amazing nik naks, that place with the chef who creates the best food and that view that you don’t need a photo of because it shines brilliantly in your mind.

The really good thing about getting lost is not just losing yourself in something because of your zeal, but just losing yourself completely no matter how terrifying or daunting that is, because losing yourself means you can find yourself. How are you meant to know who you really are until you lose everything you think you are? Sometimes you simply, for the briefest of occasions, have to lose yourself and for a scary time not know who you are, to then find that fantastic thing that is the authentic you.

Maps are great and plans are excellent, the problem is they don’t help us when there is an obstacle in our way. They don’t teach us not to panic when we are lost or come up against the unexpected, that sometimes you have to embrace the unknown, navigate the unpredictable, to throw away agony and just see what is around the corner. Plans and maps don’t change but people do and it is people who have to alter the maps and the plans. If you don’t get lost once in a while how will you ever know where you really want to go?    All things lost on my Tumbling Pretties

Christmas Limbo

Christmas DecorationsIs it just me or is the whole period between Christmas and New Year a bit pointless? For four days I am completely unmotivated and I have no interest in doing anything productive. I do nothing more than go on long walks, play with toys, eat too much and cosy up with family. The Crimbo Limbo for me is like hibernation I still get up and do things but I’m still a sleep, all relaxed and not getting very much done.

In the time between the aftermath of Christmas, before the wind up and wind down of New Years I just seem to wallow in love, kindness and pleasure, living in a sleepy blissful haze. It’s wonderful, if incredibly self-indulgent. My single issue at the moment is after having turkey pie, turkey stew and turkey sandwiches the last of the real food is gone and the only reminisce of food if trifle, Christmas cake and chocolate. I’m also in danger of the neighbour’s dog liking me more than his owners but that is only because I keep taking him on exceedingly long walks with new and interesting people.

In many ways I dislike the Crimbo Limbo it seems to drag on forever and can be very boring and frustrating with little to do, but at the same time it is great, the continuation of that lovely Christmassy feel I finally found.

“The Best Antique is an Old Friend.”

Being so close to Christmas I have been spending time with the people I care about most in the world. This doesn’t just include my family but also my friends, I have some truly incredible friends and some not so incredible, this doesn’t mean I value them any less just that I have less epic stories about them. I keep my friends safe and treasured, even the ones that are family, there are few things I have learnt but one of them is that great happiness can be found in the friendships you make and keep. They have been there before and if you are careful will be there in the future. They are a link to the past and a future as they grow beside you.

On Monday night I had dinner and drinks with 20 or so friends from T.C. (My secondary school) My friends from T.C. are my cherished antiques, some I still gladly talk to and see on a regular basis, some more sporadically and some I am distressed to say not for 5 years. Oddly, regardless of time or inconsistent contact we are all still friends, nothing has changed; we still cause mischief, still laugh too loud and talk excessively. We spent hours in comfortable, splendid company as though we were all still in year 11 where our biggest worry was double biology on a Friday, desperately trying to figure out if we could fall asleep in the class this close to exams. I was reminded of why I loved these friends, why I loved being 16 and how it felt to be that free. These people made me feel old.

These friends make me feel really old and not in a good way, not in a ‘I was a child then and now I am a grown up and an adult’ sort of way. No. I feel old in a ‘16 that was 5 years ago, 5 YEARS,’ sort of way! Where has the time gone? What have I done in those 5 years? What have I achieved? Time is marching on and I feel I am being left behind, I’m not ‘young’ anymore and that makes me feel old.

I feel old without feeling like an adult, I feel my age with responsibility and wisdom and experience behind me (however little it may be) but I still feel like a child. I have friends that are engaged with big proper jobs and down payments on a house. There is this great conflict in me that knows that I am old enough to have friends that are married, engaged, with children but at the same time I don’t understand how I am old enough to have friends married, engaged, with children. I haven’t figured out how to make a relationship work, let alone what love is. A house, noooooooo I want a flat, if that, I want to be able to move out at a moment’s notice to go somewhere else or ,or, or travel. They have proper big graduate job thingys, I still haven’t figured out what I want to do!

Yes, I am thinking about my future, no I’m not happy with it that right now, yes I understand my life seems to have no direction, no I’m not happy about it. But honestly I’m young once, just the once and I want to enjoy it, have fun, laugh a bit more before I resign myself to life, to adulthood. I feel like everyone has figured it all out, I haven’t even figured out what I’m meant to figure out. I just don’t want to be conflicted about feeling old and like a child at the same time. Right now all I know is that I want to watch my friends grow and see the wonderful people I know they will become. And….. I want to grow with them, just let me figure it out on my own terms.

The worst thing is the lack of pressure, everyone is letting me get on with it, and they are all so certain that I have got it figured out. Trust me on this, I am completely clueless.


Related post:

Bah, humbug.

How? How is it 10 days before Christmas? When did that happen? How have I missed this? I have heard the Christmas songs, received Christmas cards, the world has been decorated and everything seems to have become distinctly Christmassy, so how have I missed the fact it is Christmas in 10 days? How is it this close to Christmas and more importantly why do I not feel Christmassy yet?

I have been feeling very normal, despite the fact I have been doing Christmas activities I have yet to feel like it is Christmas. I still feel that it is miles away and I have plenty of time, but I don’t, not really. I’m not in a panic, it’s not like I have forgotten Christmas is happening, plans have been made, the presence have all been bought, some have been delivered, some still to be wrapped and I only have one more Christmas Hamper to prepare. Yes my house is looking unchristmassy but my sister is coming home tomorrow from uni and has insisted we wait for her to submerge the house in festive cheer. Really that’s the only last Christmas preparation to be done. There is mass amounts of Christmas cookie dough in the freezer just in case, biscotti has been made, cards have been written and threats have been issued to parents that if they don’t give us children a list or an idea of what they want they have no right to be disappointed with the presents they receive. (Really they have everything already, the only thing left to buy then is tat.) I have even masterminded seeing everyone I care about over the Christmas period and all the wonderful Christmas things I want to do.

What I want to know is: why is there a lacking of Christmas vibe on my end? I don’t believe it is the lack of decorations in my home, I’ve been at uni for 3 years and not attiring my home in a red and gold dress has never stopped the Christmas feel before. I did think that perhaps my uber organisation in getting all the Christmas presents earlier so not spending any time Christmas shopping with panicky people might have stopped the Christmas feel, if I’m honest however that activity drives me insane. I suppose this could be how ‘grownups’ feel about Christmas, just a big meh? If this is the case, I feel sorry for all ‘grownups’ and I leaving for the fountain of youth the day after New Years to restore my childhood because this is awful. What do ‘grownups’ do to feel Christmassy? Why am I not excited to see all the lovely people in my life and tell them how special they are? Why do children and everyone else it seems find this Christmas thing so much more exciting than I do this year? Anyone out there got a cure?

I have decided to steal a friends child (reality I’m removing the child so mummy can wrap mass amounts of presents) and we are going to see Father Christmas. If this doesn’t cure me I give up, because I’m probably just turning into to some sort of Grinch!! Or there is a Grinch haunting me who has stolen my Christmas spirit which is just rude mean unfair being a total jerk unchristmassy.