“All our dreams can come true” or what Disnay taught me

I’ve always had a soft spot for Disney, one of my earliest memories is me and my brother arguing over Aurora dress colour at the end of Sleeping Beauty. I not a huge fan the Disney Princess thing; I was always more of a Jungle Book, Lion King, Lady and the Tramp and everything Pixar sort of girl. Now I’m older, despite the problems I have with Disney, I find the films undeniably beautiful, I went to watch the Lion King in 3D and found that as a child I had missed how visually stunning it was.

Like I said I have problems with Disney, as a child I always felt they had ruined many of my favourite stories and fairytales by not being faithful to the original material I was familiar with. Nor I could ever really relate to Princess who all seemed desperate to find love and be swept off their feet. Then I got older and found a whole new set of issues (got to love age and cynicism.) There is however a couple of things I learnt from Disney.

1. If nothing else I have learnt that love is important and that it comes in all shapes
   

   This was on my 10th Birthday cake I had in America, I have kept this plastic decoration all these years as I can’t bear to let it go.

   andsizes. Lilo and Stitch has a small and broken family but it’s “still good” and Belle only has a father. I watched parents do anything for their children; it helped me understand my own. I watched friends in Disney help each other, I watched lovers heart-break and then rejuvenate with a kiss. Love and relationships are pivotal in Disney, because it is the thing that gives us most joy in life, our family and our friends make us happy but it’s more than that love is also about the sacrifices you make for the people who mean the most. The older you get the less you take love for granted.

2. From the moment Mufasa died it dawned on me: Life is hard. None of the characters in Disney have it easy, Cinderella, Hercules, Pocahontas, their lives are difficult, they are faced with arduous decisions and challenges while trying to do the right thing and make their lives better. Disney has the lives of their characters change and often it is beyond their control and they are simply trying to do their best and keep their head above water. The older I get the more I understand this feeling and how much harder it can become.
3. Hope is a very powerful thing, it is the only thing that can defeat pain. Hope is everywhere in Disney:  101 Dalmatians, Fox and the Hound, Aladdin, the characters and the audience never gives up hope for a happy ending. Hope is the thing that characters hold on to when all else is lost, it is part of them that never dies, the last candle in the darkness. The older we get the harder it is to keep the hope while in life I’ve learnt that the candle doesn’t always stay lit; Disney does a pretty good job of showing how significant it is in life. H.O.P.E : Hold On, Pain Ends.
4. There is such thing as magic, the world pretty awesome place and if you take the time to see it ,magic is alive and well and if not…. your toys come to life when you leave the room. It is also in our dreams and wishes, Snow White wishes in a well, Geppetto on a star and Peter Pan fills Wendy’s dreams, these are thing that these character hold on to and fuel their life. They are a source of amazing strength and that is magic.
5. The greatest thing I have learnt from Disney is that you are your own hero, you can save yourself. The characters fight and despite all the Princess having Princes they do a pretty good job at fighting for themselves. They fight for what they want, they fight to have their wishes and dreams and to protect their hopes and the people they love. Love is important so fight for it, life is hard so fight for the life you want, hope is important so fight not to lose it, fight to keep the magic in your life. Simple.

The thing about growing up is that things become less black and white and become more about different shades of grey. Disney may not be the shinning white sceptical I remember it being, but that doesn’t tarnish the lessons I’ve leant. Mainly everyone can exist, the good and the bad, but you have to fight to live the life you will be proud of, you will have to believe in yourself even when others don’t and you have to dare to dream and go after that light no matter how dark it gets.

The Disney Princess at their film ages by Taijavigilia

Totally lost for words

I got half way through writing a post yesterday before giving up, because it got waaaaayy to complicated and I couldn’t stop it from being word vomit and blugh. The more I thought about what I was writing the more I found there was to write about. The more I found to write about the more I wanted to put ideas into my post and the more…. wiggly, wobbly, messy and befuddled it became.

Honestly it was just spiralling out of my control and has left me with the dilemma of what to write about instead. The pressure is on. I must think of something else, DUN DUN DUN. I really need to be struck with an idea before anxiety sets in and I start to feel unproductive and begin to wallow in my lack of inspirational……. wonderful the clock is tick, tick, ticking.

I could tell you about total triumph today when someone declared within my hearing that all women were indecisive. I said that it wasn’t that we couldn’t make decisions; it was more that we felt we shouldn’t have to choose between things we want ed. Why? Because women are amazing and deserve everything they desire. Alternatively I could tell you that Britain only gets one week of summer a year and this year it’s come early, this week to be precise. So I’ve spent the week getting an unseasonal tan. Or I could tell you about my mum being so desperate for a wee that she was doing the toilet dance in the car while I’m doubled up with laughter …. and being shouted at. I could tell you that I completely unsatisfied with my job, that I’m bored and miserable and that I prepared to do absolutely anything to get away from it. I could tell that my biggest problem right now is that I’m going to be 22 and have no idea what I’m going to do to celebrate it and this is a huge problem as I’m am legendary for birthdays and making them last for a lifetime.

Orrrrr I could just post this ramble and run off to the beer and enjoy what little summer I going to get on this rainy-side of the pond….. Yep doing that.

It’s good to get lost once in a while

No one likes to get lost, that’s why we have maps, sat navs and 5 year plans. Getting lost is unnerving and frightening; it puts us face to face with the unknown, the unpredictable and unsettles us. Everyone likes to be in control and it is comfortable to always know who and where you are. The thing about getting utterly lost however is that we can learn valuable lessons and occasionally it does us some good. Getting lost can be a wonderful experience.

There are some places where it is good to get lost, the best example of this is Venice. The only way to truly experience this labyrinth is to throw your map into the Grand Canel and go for a wander. Get lost among the ancient street and find all the riches that are hidden in this city. I think to truly know the rhythm of a city you have to get lost in it. Paris will always be a mystery until you found that one cafe tucked away down a forgotten street that you and you alone adore. One of the things that is on that list of things in my head I have to do is get lost in New York just for a little bit and watch the city rush by in all its vivid colour.

There are the times you get lost by accident, lost in listening to music that sings to your heart and in art that speaks to your soul. Everyone at some point has stared into space and meander through thoughts, lost, roaming over hundreds of ideas as the world has just slipped away. You can get lost in your own excitement and interest reminding you what it is like to be truly passionate about something. Then there are moments, moments when the world stops, you become lost in an instant that lasts an age, it fills you up completely and removes you from time and space, and you vanish from the earth.

Getting lost is about gaining a new perspective, strolling off the beaten track and finding your own individual way in the world, to look through your own fresh eyes and not through the used eyes of hundreds of people before you. Getting lost means you can find something new, something unique, it’s how you find that beach with no one on it, that shop with the amazing nik naks, that place with the chef who creates the best food and that view that you don’t need a photo of because it shines brilliantly in your mind.

The really good thing about getting lost is not just losing yourself in something because of your zeal, but just losing yourself completely no matter how terrifying or daunting that is, because losing yourself means you can find yourself. How are you meant to know who you really are until you lose everything you think you are? Sometimes you simply, for the briefest of occasions, have to lose yourself and for a scary time not know who you are, to then find that fantastic thing that is the authentic you.

Maps are great and plans are excellent, the problem is they don’t help us when there is an obstacle in our way. They don’t teach us not to panic when we are lost or come up against the unexpected, that sometimes you have to embrace the unknown, navigate the unpredictable, to throw away agony and just see what is around the corner. Plans and maps don’t change but people do and it is people who have to alter the maps and the plans. If you don’t get lost once in a while how will you ever know where you really want to go?    All things lost on my Tumbling Pretties

Driving away.

Driving away on a new adventure

Have you ever had the urge to climb in your car and drive?? That’s all, drive and keep driving on and on. I get it all the time; I want to see how far I can get on a tank of petrol. I wonder where I’ll end up, what far off place I could reach, what will be there and if I’ll stay. It’s not even to run away or get away from my current life, I’m just curious to see what else there is, what else is beyond my current world. On a sunny day when I fill up my car or sit in traffic every fibre within threatens to tear apart my skin as it vibrates with the desire to turn up the radio, wind down the window and leave nothing but dust as I race on to something at the edge of some unknown map.

I get itchy feet, I always have. Even when I was young I would complain of being bored but not knowing what I was bored of. It would feel like I was drowning, the impulse weighing down on me and feel terrible because it wasn’t that I was ungrateful of the life I had I just wanted to see what else there could be. I still haven’t squared that guilt. I have to be busy and doing something new just so the old doesn’t lose its shine. There was always a new school, a new place to inhabit and new people to gather. Life is interesting chasing the next adventure. My world is wonderful but sometimes I want to see what is over there and bring a bit back, just a little bit.

I wanna run, I wanna skip infinitely on, searching for something unique, I wanna feel new rough grass, smell scrumptious recipes I’ve never tried, be caressed by a fresh breeze and taste different air. I wanna hear a strange city boogie to its individual tune and the country waltz to a beat of its own and I wanna dance with them. I used to sit on trains with buoyant friends and jump off at a stop, any stop and see where we were, if we didn’t like the place we jumped back on the train to a new stop. I will never drive the same route twice; I’ll see what a different road has to offer, what treasure it has for me to find. There is always something new to see, people to meet, things to do.

The older I get the greater the urge to drive; it’s like fear, a fear that if I don’t do it now I never will and miss something, something incredible just beyond the edge of my world. Maybe I should listen to the nagging because I never do just drive away, I can always think of one good reason not to drop everything, frustratingly there is always a reason to stay. I don’t even think I would stay on the edge of the map when I’m done driving, I love the people in my life too much and without them it wouldn’t be the thrilling experience it could be. But that is the beauty of driving away, I could always fill up the tank and drive back.

Second Star To The Right

 Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it’s done so far.
What’s so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

~ Rainbow Connection , Muppets

There something about the night sky, the stars and the moon that captivates me. I am fascinated by everything; the man in the moon, its orbit, the mythology behind the stars, the constellations and the dreams and hopes the night sky seems hold in its vast darkness. Ever since my dad stopped to stare into the gloom and held my hand I have stared too and submerge myself in its majesty. I have whiled away happy hours under the stars and it is odd but everything about the night sky makes me feel insignificant and I love it. Everyone in the world sleeps under one night sky and in it there are so many stars and there are so many star gazers, all looking at an immeasurable universe and I am tiny; nothing I really do will matter in the grand scheme of the universe and that is strangely comforting.

I am completely spellbound by the night sky and the stories that revolve around the moon and stars, and the beliefs and ideas they hold; it simply magical to look into a glittering and dazzling sky. I have always associated the stars and star gazing with dreams and the dreamers, thinking about the hopes that are whispered to the man the moon and the wishes made to stars as they watch over the earth. I want to hear the stories the moon could tell, all the little things it has seen over the years, all the forgotten past of earth. “Look at the stars, look how they shine for you” Generations of humans before me have gazed at the star in wonder and people round the world gazing with me, staring at the same starry blanket. Humans have reached for the stars and moon for thousands of years desperate to join the night sky and its heights.

The universe is so old, ancient and still changing, still expanding and growing; it is stunning as it entices scientists and romantics. I stare up and marvel like many others and look into forever, in awe of how anything could be so beautiful and exquisite. I look into the night sky and become lost, questioning how much is beyond our small world, how much can be out there to strive for. I gaze into the night and it stares back daring me to envision anything and everything. The stars do not hold our destiny; the night sky simply reveals the infinite possibilities of our future and the universe.

“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you” ~ Yellow, Coldplay

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• There are some things that happen once
• Wishing on a Star
• Tumbling Pretties

Colourful Colorado

Steamboat Springs

I’ve been feeling homesick for Colorado; this is probably because Britain has been having wonderful sunshine while still being cold and my current engagement in conversations with friends I left in the colourful state. I often long to be back in Colorado, it was the first time my heart felt truly at home away from my family and friends, and I’m completely in love with the state. I miss the vast geography, the irregular weather, the people and the place. I went to Colorado, to Colorado College on an exchange program to study while in my second year of university and it has been to date the greatest experience of my life. I miss the view that I have never been able to forget, it is the thing that can never be taken away from me.

I spent way to much time hanging out of windows getting photos

The heritage in Colorado was incredible; I found it remarkable that a place that seems so young can have such a depth of history. Everywhere I went in Colorado I seemed to adore, I loved Denver it was just so attractive, simply blissful to waste a day there. Steamboat Springs was so picturesque, relaxed and was just surrounded by land and ranches. I asked a police officer (cop?) what a buck was in Steamboat Springs because he told me and my friends to watch out for them when we were driving, I had no idea what one was and he told me eventually after a lot of laughter. Manitou Springs I maintain has the best chocolate and sweet shops I have ever found and was quant, yet diverse. In Colorado Springs I found that despite how big it was it felt like the small town I imagined America was full of, it was intimate and wonderful. It was where I watched my first hockey match, where I walked all alone in a strange city 4625 miles from anyone I knew and figured out what a block was. I made some amazing friends and met some fabulously interesting people that have stayed with me years later.

My favourite view of Pikes Peak

I miss the Garden of the Gods and feeling small in the majesty of nature. I miss how big it all was, I miss the vast sky that seems so small from my side of the pond. I remember arriving in the middle of the night dark and cold and went to sleep isolated in a strange room with no idea where I was and what to expect. I woke to an awe inspiring view of Pikes Peak and spent the next 6 months reassured by its dominance in the skyline and it gave me a height to strive for.

My mind doesn’t just wander there when I’m awake but takes me there in my dreams. I miss the space, the room to breathe that I have never found anywhere else and the beauty that just lives in you. I did a lot of growing there; I learnt how strong I could be and what I wanted form life. I learnt I could travel thousands of miles alone and make a whole new life, make friends and work achieving the standards I always had and be so happy.  I’d make memories and stories that would make my heart ache and create a smile. I lost my heart to Colorado completely.  Being posting my favourite images of Colorado here all week.

Careers and Jobs

I dislike job hunting intensely!! I loathe career hunting but that is a whole different kettle of fish. Career hunting involves figuring out exactly what I want to do, which at times renders me so stressed I’m speech less or have really disturbing thoughts like ‘I just need to go to the gym and relax.’ Blugh! Job hunting only involves finding anything, no matter how trivial, that I can do. Job hunting is what I used to focus on until I got a job, where I don’t get enough money and the hours are long and unpleasant, if I think about it too much, I hate it to the point I want to quit. I don’t of course, I need this job because as I hunt for something better I realise how difficult that is. Knowing how lucky I am to have a job in this current climate doesn’t help as much as you would think.

I suppose it would help if I knew what I wanted to do. I have always had a vague idea of what I wanted to do, what grades I wanted, what I wanted to study, where I wanted to go after and whatever happened while I completed these vague notions was great. Now however I don’t even have a vague notion. I had an idea, I have now lost faith in it. I wanted to be a teacher, I’ve spent a life wanting to do nothing else; I just got scared, what if doing the same thing everyday I’d get jaded and be a bad teacher. I couldn’t bare that. There is also a lot I would like to achieve outside of teaching that would be difficult, there is a lot I want to do and I’ve come to the conclusion one life is not long enough to do it all. I could do lots of jobs, different jobs but I never really get anywhere, never progress. On the other hand I could choose a career and basically be doing the same thing for the rest of my life and as short as life is, a life time is a long time to do something you only vaguely like. I guess life is contradictory like that and jobs and careers just feel limiting.

I wonder how many of my generation or any generation just fall into careers while just looking for a job and it turned out to be right path? Do I just keep doing jobs and hope that one develops into a career? I am I expecting too much to do something I love? Should I simply focus on doing something I can stand? I never minded the lack of plan but I mind not having any idea of what I want to do, it feels like I’m on the edge of a huge foggy abyss. I worry about missing an opportunity, missing out on doing what I really want to do. Maybe I shouldn’t worry, I’m young, I could do anything, I just worry I’ll end up doing nothing.

Related post

Letter to self,

All the words I think but don't always tell

15:49pm GMT

In Sister’s Room

Home

Dear me,

I would address this more specifically but we do have a terrible habit of changing our preference of what we go by and what people call us. I am writing a letter to my future self, where ever and whenever I have chosen to read it again. This is as bizarre as the last time I did it, if just a little more familiar. I doubt you even get letters anymore, I know that I’ll be sorry about that, I like letters, they will be an archaic form of communication but nevertheless a lost art form.

I’m not writing to set us a goal or a target for the future I have no doubt that we will achieve whatever we have set you to do.  This is simply a reminder not to run away from life, happiness and what you really want. I know you, I know what you are like, you let fear of upsetting or hurting the people around you stop you; I don’t think you can live a whole life caring for other people’s emotions and neglecting your own. I speak from experience as much as you like living vicariously and sharing others happiness it’s not really your own.

I just want you to remember at an unspecific point in time who you are right now, at this specific moment. I’m lost in the utopia, the no place, stuck in a transition between my youth and adulthood. The things I know is that love is an incredible force, my friends and family are my world and hugs are wonderful. My head is an amazing if complicated place to be. I don’t always like my reflection, sometimes I hate for so many reasons. I have no regrets but I’m not proud of everything I have done. I have never been in love and I don’t believe in it, I’m too pragmatic to believe I would give up everything for someone or that I would open myself up to so much hurt. I don’t even think I could have children I think the pain of love would kill me. I think love for the people around me is killing me. I’m still however at heart the greatest romantic and an optimist masquerading as a pessimist. I lose hours just staring at the beauty in the world, at the splendour of my own little part of it and at the magnificence in the imperfect and small things. I am in utter awe of humanities creativity and its development, especially its ability to communicate ideas and in constant fear of atrocious acts it is capable of. I believe in humanity’s potential. I’m not numb anymore, but I’m not as happy as I used to be, in fact right now I’m terrified, terrified of not becoming the person I am meant to be. I’m terrified but I’m not holding back, I’m not a coward, the path maybe rough but I know deep down I am tough enough for this world. I adore the possibilities I have. And I used to be a dreamer, not so much now.

I hope you have remembered everything you have learnt up till now, things such as you should always believe in something no matter how small. Maintain that brilliant contradiction of always believing but questioning everything. Always know that magic is everywhere in the world if you look for it. I hope you reading too much, always have a camera to photograph everything and always have a jotter handy to write every moment and thought large and small and everything in between. I hope we still live every moment like it will never happen again, that we have travelled, done and experienced as much as we can, grabbing every chance has created some great memories. I hope we don’t wait till we are ready because I fear we will wait forever. Be happy but remember to feel, don’t let yourself be numb again, don’t let your soul die.

I have to wonder where and what I’m doing and who I have become. How do we compare? The person who was, the person now and the person I have become. I can only answer two of those, I hope I have grown and change, my identity still fluid and full of possibilities. I wonder in our quest to reach the stars where did we land? I hope we lost and found ourselves a million times over because that’s the only way to know who we really are. If you are not still a geek, you have betrayed your roots and I hope music, art and literature still makes you giddy and smile. Most of all I hope our pile of good things that has happened in life is bigger than the bad and that neither one has tarnished the other. Everything bad that happens is an experience and everything good is wonderful. I hope that you have learnt from everything that has happened and that everyone who has entered your life did so for a reason and help you grow and be simply you.

I hope you still ramble like this because being in your head most of the time is a pleasure.

Yours lost in utopia at 21.

Age and letters here

The Roads and Paths of Life

A familiar road

“Not all those who wander are lost;”~ Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien

I am totally lost, really really lost. I am not evening wandering anymore, I’m not going straight, I’m not even moving, I have hesitated and I have stopped. My life has stalled and I feel so misplaced like I’m a thousand miles from where I should be. It’s not the first time I’ve lost my way, but I’m tired of having to find myself, I’m exhausted and I still have to find out where I am and where I am going. I’m terrified that it will take me such long time to recover from this state, that one day I’m gonna wake up and be another year older but be 3 more steps behind, still not on the right path, not travelling the right road.

Don’t misunderstand me I’m still making memories, still doing what I love and laughing, still being me or at least what I can be while I’m lost. It just that I’m not travelling, I’m not moving forward. There is no universal template, no directions, no signs to follow; we are all going our own way, each path is individual, sometimes there are others with us, travelling parallel, but it’s still our own road, making our solitary way. At the crossroad how do you decide which way to go, which is right, which is easiest, which is most rewarding or most challenging?? Which path is happiness, which is what you want, which is what you need??

Can you follow every whim your heart and mind has?? You can’t go in every direction; you have to choose one, not always knowing if it is correct and not knowing where it is heading exactly or where you’ll travel through. For that matter does it matter which path you tread?? All Roads end the same as long as you’re content does it matter how you get there, does it matter if there are roads not taken??

Who are these people who seem to have maps?? Or are they bluffing and just have enough drive to charge ahead in life. They just hurtle down the road seeming to know that if they go straight, don’t turn around and don’t be indecisive that it is the accurate path. How do they find the strength to do this?? Am I just weak, or is it that others and I have just lost sight of where the path is and where is should be going?? What about finding the courage to change course, to know you are going the wrong way?? How brave do you have to be to do this, to change your direction?? When you have been travelling a path for most of your life, to keep your eyes open and not be afraid to recognise that this isn’t what you want and you’ll have to go a different way or worse turn around and go back. Is it okay as long as you keep moving??

I’m not travelling, I’m not achieving anything; I’m not discovering who I am or becoming who I am meant to be. I’m not even really looking for an answer, I just want to figure it out, so I can keep going because I’m really excited about life and about all the roads and paths I’m going to take. It would be nice however to have a little guidance or reassurance that I am heading in the right direction.

Or is that secretly the point, that when what matters is the journey not the destination being a little uncertain is okay. You don’t always have to be on the right track, knowing exactly where you are going. Being lost is okay as long as you keep going on a path, your path, content to travel that road.

More of life’s paths here

My Lost Blogs

I’d like to think that it wasn’t just me who did this, but, did anyone else read loads of blogs before they started writing one themselves? Thing is I have read blogs since I was about 13 I am now 21, I’d like to think I started reading blogs before it was cool but I doubt this is the case. I had them all saved in my bookmarks and favourites in a folder all their own. These were the blogs I spent years collecting and stumbled across, I loved them, they were very important to me. Every night I would pick a few, pray for new entries and read. I loved the idea of being a random view and would spend ages looking for new blogs or entries too. I was game to read anything and it was an important part in my growing love for the written word. Being dyslexic I have the attention span of a 3 year old on Christmas Day that can’t decide which toys, boxes or wrapping paper to play with first; blogs were an important part of me learning to have the discipline to simply sit down and read further than the opening page.

As you can imagine when I got a virus on my laptop through my universities inadequate software and virus protection and lost everything I was miserable. I was devastated having lost all my photographs and documents since I was 15, almost six years worth of work. I was very upset but it was a couple of days before I realised I had also lost all my blogs, that was the last straw I had a bit of a meltdown. I could deal with losing the digital originals of my photos I could get copies here, there, everywhere; most of my documents had been emailed to myself so I could work on them anywhere so there were copies. My blogs however they were a different matter they were gone, they had simply stopped to exist and I had no way to get them back. I had this great sense of loss some of these blogs I had invested years in they were part of my life, people I knew even if they didn’t know me and they were gone forever.

After 2 weeks of moping my computer genius friend agreed to look at my laptop, I had already had experts look at my it to see what they could save but I had neglected to mention the desperate desire for my bookmarks back in my life, so he was my last chance. If I’m honest I didn’t hold out much hope and while I cooked his payment for looking at my laptop (the first decent dinner he had in months) I let him play.  45 minutes later after much swearing and grumbling he looked over the top and smirked. First of all he apologised and then presented my laptop, there on the bright white screen were 10 of my blog bookmarks probably the oldest ones, he apologised again because he couldn’t recover anymore. I didn’t care; I loved him for just getting back 10.

I have spent hours trying to refind some of my favourite blogs especially the more recent ones and in some respects I have been quite successful, in others not so much. I had never realised that while I would recognise names of blogs I could not recall them at will. Very irritating, however this has meant I have discovered many new and interesting blogs through this search, so silver lining and all that.

I like to think that most things have an upside.