Driving away.

Driving away on a new adventure

Have you ever had the urge to climb in your car and drive?? That’s all, drive and keep driving on and on. I get it all the time; I want to see how far I can get on a tank of petrol. I wonder where I’ll end up, what far off place I could reach, what will be there and if I’ll stay. It’s not even to run away or get away from my current life, I’m just curious to see what else there is, what else is beyond my current world. On a sunny day when I fill up my car or sit in traffic every fibre within threatens to tear apart my skin as it vibrates with the desire to turn up the radio, wind down the window and leave nothing but dust as I race on to something at the edge of some unknown map.

I get itchy feet, I always have. Even when I was young I would complain of being bored but not knowing what I was bored of. It would feel like I was drowning, the impulse weighing down on me and feel terrible because it wasn’t that I was ungrateful of the life I had I just wanted to see what else there could be. I still haven’t squared that guilt. I have to be busy and doing something new just so the old doesn’t lose its shine. There was always a new school, a new place to inhabit and new people to gather. Life is interesting chasing the next adventure. My world is wonderful but sometimes I want to see what is over there and bring a bit back, just a little bit.

I wanna run, I wanna skip infinitely on, searching for something unique, I wanna feel new rough grass, smell scrumptious recipes I’ve never tried, be caressed by a fresh breeze and taste different air. I wanna hear a strange city boogie to its individual tune and the country waltz to a beat of its own and I wanna dance with them. I used to sit on trains with buoyant friends and jump off at a stop, any stop and see where we were, if we didn’t like the place we jumped back on the train to a new stop. I will never drive the same route twice; I’ll see what a different road has to offer, what treasure it has for me to find. There is always something new to see, people to meet, things to do.

The older I get the greater the urge to drive; it’s like fear, a fear that if I don’t do it now I never will and miss something, something incredible just beyond the edge of my world. Maybe I should listen to the nagging because I never do just drive away, I can always think of one good reason not to drop everything, frustratingly there is always a reason to stay. I don’t even think I would stay on the edge of the map when I’m done driving, I love the people in my life too much and without them it wouldn’t be the thrilling experience it could be. But that is the beauty of driving away, I could always fill up the tank and drive back.

The Roads and Paths of Life

A familiar road

“Not all those who wander are lost;”~ Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien

I am totally lost, really really lost. I am not evening wandering anymore, I’m not going straight, I’m not even moving, I have hesitated and I have stopped. My life has stalled and I feel so misplaced like I’m a thousand miles from where I should be. It’s not the first time I’ve lost my way, but I’m tired of having to find myself, I’m exhausted and I still have to find out where I am and where I am going. I’m terrified that it will take me such long time to recover from this state, that one day I’m gonna wake up and be another year older but be 3 more steps behind, still not on the right path, not travelling the right road.

Don’t misunderstand me I’m still making memories, still doing what I love and laughing, still being me or at least what I can be while I’m lost. It just that I’m not travelling, I’m not moving forward. There is no universal template, no directions, no signs to follow; we are all going our own way, each path is individual, sometimes there are others with us, travelling parallel, but it’s still our own road, making our solitary way. At the crossroad how do you decide which way to go, which is right, which is easiest, which is most rewarding or most challenging?? Which path is happiness, which is what you want, which is what you need??

Can you follow every whim your heart and mind has?? You can’t go in every direction; you have to choose one, not always knowing if it is correct and not knowing where it is heading exactly or where you’ll travel through. For that matter does it matter which path you tread?? All Roads end the same as long as you’re content does it matter how you get there, does it matter if there are roads not taken??

Who are these people who seem to have maps?? Or are they bluffing and just have enough drive to charge ahead in life. They just hurtle down the road seeming to know that if they go straight, don’t turn around and don’t be indecisive that it is the accurate path. How do they find the strength to do this?? Am I just weak, or is it that others and I have just lost sight of where the path is and where is should be going?? What about finding the courage to change course, to know you are going the wrong way?? How brave do you have to be to do this, to change your direction?? When you have been travelling a path for most of your life, to keep your eyes open and not be afraid to recognise that this isn’t what you want and you’ll have to go a different way or worse turn around and go back. Is it okay as long as you keep moving??

I’m not travelling, I’m not achieving anything; I’m not discovering who I am or becoming who I am meant to be. I’m not even really looking for an answer, I just want to figure it out, so I can keep going because I’m really excited about life and about all the roads and paths I’m going to take. It would be nice however to have a little guidance or reassurance that I am heading in the right direction.

Or is that secretly the point, that when what matters is the journey not the destination being a little uncertain is okay. You don’t always have to be on the right track, knowing exactly where you are going. Being lost is okay as long as you keep going on a path, your path, content to travel that road.

More of life’s paths here